Friday, June 18, 2010

Please Help-Need Advice

I'm married with a two year old son.

Around a year and a half ago, I became close to a female friend of mine, who is also married. This grew quickly and I fell in love with her and she fell in love with me. It kept growing and growing and got to the point that we could not see enough of each other, finding every spare moment to spend together and trying not to arouse suspicion amongst our partners.

After around 9 months this turned physical. Soon after our partners found out. By this stage I was so in love with her that I told her that I would leave my wife to be with her. She decided not to do it, saying that she couldn't live with herself breaking up my family and she believed that in the long run it would be better for me to stay with my wife.

This wasn't an easy decision for her and we made a date to end our relationship. I decided to move overseas with my wife and son as I felt like I could not set her free and set myself free if I remained close to her. I wanted her to be happy and live her life as she had planned it before I came along. We had many tearful farewells and I left.

Now I have been overseas for four months. I feel completely lost and lonely. My every thought wants to be back with her. I've tried so hard to rekindle my love for my wife, but I feel nothing for her. I want the best for her and want her to be happy but I just can't love her and give her what she needs.

She is determined to stay with me and although she has crucified and crucified me so much over being with my lover she still maintains her love for me.

The other factor is my son. He is so happy, he loves life and he loves my wife and I. It would break his heart for us to be apart. But my heart is broken, I am such a mess...every day I just have to tell myself that I'm doing this for him and have to pretend to my wife that I love her and want to be with her.

And I know back home, that my lover is dying inside too and wants me as much as I want her. She was brave and selfless to choose not to be with me. But I question every day whether it was really the right decision, and I'm sure she does too.

I feel like I can never be happy again. I feel that I have no option but to suffer in silence and be with my wife for the good of my son. But this suffering is driving me into depression and I feel helpless and feel like giving in.

I don't know what to do....please help....and please do not berate my for what has happened, just please help me build my future. I do not love my wife at at all.


  1. maybe useless advisorJune 18, 2010 at 9:37 AM

    I realize that you are trying to make things work for the sake of your son but you have to get real with yourself. What your son deserves is two happy and healthy parents...not two people pretending. Sure he is young now but he is going to grow up feeling your depression and resentment even if you stay..he is going to feel would be one thing if you werent miserable but you are..for christ sake you are talking about "giving in"!! I am not trying to belittle you or judge but staying and suffering is going tobe the biggest disservice you can do to your son. He will feel it and know it and grow up in it not to mention your wife.. it is so incredibly unfair to stay with someone you dont love.. i know you want her to be happy and your son to be happy and you are filled with guilt but how can they really be happy living this fake life with you? If you want to be good to your family then you need to get your head right. Yes you fucked up and cheated and you fell in love with someone but things happen in life that we don't expect and if you are sinking down deeper and deeper into this misery you are going to drag them all down with you. At least if you let your wife go she has the potential to be happy again with someone who really loves her.. thats what she deserves not someone who is staying out of duty.Your son and your wife deserve to be happy and live a real life with someone who wants to be there and isnt faking everyday.

  2. Well, here is my advice...

    When you get married you make a vow. You obviously loved your wife enough to commit to marriage and have a family. You have experienced something many married folk do...being attracted to another. If your wife is willing to stay with you, (altho it sounds like she may need some help with that,..but then again, she probably senses you are still emotionally with the other woman), then I would say she is a better person than both you and your lover. Why would you want to break up your family consisting of a loyal and supportive wife, (who left all her friends and family behind just to stay with you). as well as young son, ...for a woman who is a cheater like you?

    Seriously, it's all in your head,, pants. Make up your mind to stay in your marriage and put your efforts into your family. If you need counseling to get past it, then get help. Marriage has many challenges, and the best marriages that last are the ones that deal with the bad times, not abandon ship during rough waters.

    Bottom are being a big fat jerk and need a reality check. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take a good look at yourself and your family. You truly have something great in your marriage...don't blow it.

  3. divorced and loving itJune 18, 2010 at 9:53 AM

    why is it some close minded people think every marriage/relationship HAS to last? WHY?
    its a known fact that some are not meant to be together. it doesn't matter that there is one party who still cares. even marriage counselors will tell you that. i know, ive been to them for years!we were told we married for the wrong reasons and it cant work out. shit, even your favorite dr phil says it!
    i split with my wife 4 years ago and never looked back, we are civil to each othr and i see my kids all the time. couldnt be happeir!

  4. I find the majority of people who stay together in a miserble marriage for the children are people who grew up with parents who had an unstable relationship.
    This is exactly why staying is bad for kids. They see this as normal and end up marrying into the same type of relationship w same dilemmas.
    Its a vicious cycle

  5. @Anonymous: Ditto!. that is all I can say...

  6. Seriously.. you think this requires advice? Be a man and get over it. You should have been a man and not cheated to begin with! If you simply can't live with it, then move on. You seem like a very weak guy to me. Seriously dude, if the woman cheated on her husband for you, she will cheat on you for someone else. AND so will you. Some people.. never satisfied! Respect: Roger Baker

  7. @shazamn: u r darn


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