Friday, July 23, 2010

Relationship Poll

Well bloghers and bloghims, I am at last going on vacation for two whole weeks.  That means sadly you may not hear from me until August 9th, unless my vacation is boring, and I revert to blogging to pass the time. 

I know it feels like I am abandoning puppies, but I must take some time to clear my head, and come up with new amazing rants and adventures to take you all on.  I am going camping so trust me there will be oodles to rant about when I get back.

Please do not unfollow me, in fact this is a great opportunity to tell everyone you know just how wonderful this blog is!

So before I bid you adieu I want to put this poll out there for you to ponder.

What strategies have you used to get over an ex?

Also, while I am away, give me a stockpile of new rants by emailing me!
And for all you crazy people that have not started following me, you better do it right now!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Who's Your Daddy?

Okay so my man is great and all, but sometimes he acts more like my dad more then my man friend ( I hate calling him my husband, because 'if he liked it then he should of put a ring on it').  I would say almost every second day I will get home from work and he will say 'can I show you something'.  I immediately know he is going to tell me I did something wrong or lecture me about one thing or another.  Yesterday, it was 'can I show you something', and I am all like oh effin no, here it goes.  "I just wanted to show you how I like the dishwasher to be packed".  Are you effin serious.  You want to show me-the WOMAN how to pack the effin dishwasher.  So he goes on to tell me that I have been putting the bowls in the wrong spot, and the cutlery has to be pointing up and blah blah effin blah! 

The day before it was-'hey can I show you something so that you can remember to not do it anymore"  and what I wanted to say was sure, and secretly make him blind in his sleep so he could not effin SHOW me anything again, but instead I said sure hunny buns.  "Well you know when you make coffee in the morning, well the spoon collects the coffee and it stains it, even after you put it in the dishwasher, so you could rinse the spoon before it goes in, and that way there will be no stain".

So WTF.  Are you my dad or my man?  Since when did men get to tell women about cleaning. I am not a clean freak, but I have never had a problem with the dishwasher, the spoons, nothing.  I just do not get it, I already have a dad, I do not need another one.  It is always something, here is a few others, just to give you an idea of what I go through after a long hard day at the office.

"Whats for dinner?" - Well you have been home all effin day, why don't you tell me daddy!

"Dont dry my shirts"-Okay well don't put my black sweaters in with white towels, until you learn this I will continue to dry your effin shirts!

"I want you to dust everything, so that if I run my finger across a surface there is nothing on it"-Okay why don't we dip your head in acid so you lose all your hair and we can call you Mr effin Clean.

"You see this here, that is gross- no one ever cleans it"-Well my friends don't have dicks so I am sure they are not spraying piss on the walls!

I will tell you more later I am sure, this rant will never end, unless he goes blind... hmmm I may be on to something here!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Summer Fling

Ok, so I'm not in a relationship but have a stupid guy situation (aren't they all??)
So this guy in an acting class I take downtown and he has been pursuing me unbeknownst to me because I'm blind to those sorts of things, but my friends noticed. Finally he starts Facebook chatting me and eventually asks for my number and calls me. During our phone conversation he mentions how he doesn't want to be in a relationship and he was casually seeing this girl but he's over it. (First of all WHY is he telling me this?) 
After an hour of talking he and I start talking about how we should hang out and he says, "How about right now??" Now, I'm not looking to get a relationship with this guy, I just want a summer fling. So I say sure.
He lives 2 hours away SO HE DRIVES 2 HOURS at 11pm to come see me. Dedication, right??
So one thing leads to another and he spends the night and it. was. AWESOME. Seriously, good. In the morning he urges me to be late to work, etc.
I was like alllllllllll riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUMMER FLING!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO! hasn't mentioned it happening again and since I see him every week in this class how does this work?! I've never been a fling sort of person so ALL advice is much needed. (Keep in mind this happened 2 days ago) Is it bad he hasn't texted me at all? How do I get a repeat performance without seeming needy??? How do I know if he even wants one?!
THANKKKKKKKKK YOU for any advice you can offer!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

NEW SEGMENT: A Pictures Worth A Thousand Words

A shout out to Give me Paws for inspiring this new segment.  You see ranting is great and all, but I need to keep my readers happy, excited, loving me, and following me, in a hope that one day I will be whisked away to amazing places where I can buy gold toed boots and Chanel necklaces-thanks a lot Slumber Designs.  So now I have my usual rants, my polls, my Queen Peeves and now my new segment... A Pictures Worth A Thousand Words.  Basically, I will interpret what these people are saying in their pictures!  I love doing this already in real life, and my dogs can vouch for me.  Feel free to send me your pics to have interpreted for you.  Or just take random pics and send them to me and I will see what I can come up with, either way... this should be fun.

Lets call her Bear Woman and him.... Octopus Man.

Octopus Man:  Whoa hun, whats wrong?
Bear Woman:   Nothing, I am fine.
OM:  Well you do not look fine.
BW:  What is that supposed to mean, are you saying I am fat?
OM:  No of course not, you are as beautiful as the day I married you.
BW:  Yeah right, that was five years and five pounds ago, you think I am fat, you probably think I look like a bear!
OM:  Now why would I think that?
BW:  Because I saw you checking out that woman the other day, you now that beautiful one with the paws.
OM:  You know I would never look at another woman...
BW:  Yeah right, you are such a liar!
OM:  Okay quit it now, you are getting all fired up for nothing, you are beautiful and I was not checking anyone out.
BW:  Oh hunny you are so wonderful I could just eat you up.
OM:  Well lets try some role playing like we did the other weekend when little Johnny went to his friends house.
BW:  Oh roar.
OW:  Okay I am a octopus, and you are a wild bear.
BW:  Okay grab my wrists and pretend like you are going to swallow me whole.
OW:  Okay now you look at me all ferociously and act like you are going to bite me, show me your teeth!
BW:  Wait a minute, why would a bear and an octopus be trying to have sex with eachother?
OW:  Too late, I'm done that was great!  Can you go make me a sandwich?

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Monday, July 19, 2010

NEW SEGMENT: Queen Peeves

Thanks to Crystal Jigsaw (why do men scratch their balls in public?) and Wife Advice (being married from a mans point of view) I have come up with a new segment to keep you all awwwing and ewwwing at my blog! :)

I will call it Queen Peeves and it is where you, me, and the weird nosey guy sitting beside me can share our pet peeves about our husbands, wives, friends, family, co workers, pets, and nosey weird men!

I know your probably wondering what is the difference between pet peeves and rants!  Well, the truth is there is not much of a difference, perhaps they will be shorter, and involve sillier, stupid, irritating things that our loved ones do!  Where as a rant is just yelling and screaming about anything and are usually maybe a little more serious in nature??  Maybe??

Do not worry I will go first, just to get the ball rolling...

So it infuriates me when my husband has dreams and then wakes up and acts like they are real!  The worst was when he had a dream about catching me cheating on him (which I would never even dream of doing-no pun intended) and he wakes up and is all mad at me.  I ask him why and he tells me about his dream.  This went on all day, like he really thought it was true and that the truth was telepathically being radio-waved through to his dreams??? 

The only time I have ever dreamed something and thought it was true was when I drempt about putting the ice cream away and the next day I found it in the cupboard-put away-just not in the right place!

So now it is your turn, tell me I am not the only one with a peeve to share....

Friday, July 16, 2010

Relationship Poll

Since yesterdays post created such a stir, I thought I would follow up with this poll... lets get intimate!

Can you count how many people you have slept with on one hand?

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Thursday, July 15, 2010

Wher Have All the Good Women Gone?

I wish I could find a woman who had the same morals and principles the majority of them had back in the 1940's or 50's. I'm only 27 yrs old, and every female that wants to date me has had sex with more than 10 partners. The majority of them by the time they are 21 have a child or children, but never married, and still like to go out and get drunk at least once a week.

I'm not by any means saying the male population is perfect, but over the decades we have not really changed. Personally I don't want a woman who treats sex as casually as a handshake. I consider myself EXTREMELY picky and selective when it comes to women. I've been on 8 dates in the past 3 months, and 6 of them were wanting to have sex on the first date... at that point I just have to walk away. Because I know I'm definitely not the first one they've done that with.

I'm just curious what possesses a woman to have sex with SO many guys at such a young age? Don't make excuses like alcohol and crap like that. So many of you women yap all day about how you want respect and want a real man and want a guy to respect you and stuff... but seriously... how can we when you've let a guy get between your legs and up inside you that you met at a club one night and never talked to again. How can we respect you when you LET a guy use you?

I don't get it... Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

I'm also curious how many all of you women on here have had sex with, and what your reasons are if the number is high and what not. Feel free to share your age and number. I really don't get it and frankly if all the girls out there are like this, I may be single for quite some time, because I won't settle for someone like that. For the record, I'm 27, and I've only had sex with 2 women. The first was a long time high school sweetheart I was with for a long time, and the 2nd was my fiance who died in a car wreck by a drunk driver. I just don't see what so wrong about waiting til you're in love to have sex. 

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Public Nudity

So me and my man and a friend go to the lake over the weekend. You know everything is going great until all of a sudden this chick rolls up in her floaty with two other guys. I do a double take because her bathing suit looks strange and to my surprise, she does not have a bathing suit top on! Yeah that's right boobs hung for the world to see! When she gets out of the water I notice her bottoms are quite strange as well, they are literally a string. I thought that string bikinis were only something you saw in Europe, but apparently not.

Now I am all for public nudity. I mean it does not float my boat, but if you want to get your jugs some sun out on the lake and your not bothering anyone then go right ahead. But when you pull up on shore where there are children running around, and my boyfriend you begin to piss a girl off! Part of me wanted to grab her by the boobs and fling her back into the water, but the bitch was so damn fake nice that I could not do it. Shes all like hi yall, great day heheheheh... this is no time for small talk hunny, so go put a effin shirt on.

So then she goes up to my man and is all having a convo with him, like they are besties are something. I am glaring at my man like WTF??

So this couple beside me who I bonded with are totally making fun of her with me, looking around going what the hell is going on here. We were all in such shock and awww we did not know what to do.

So I have had one to many beers at this point and naked girl and her buddies look like they are taking the trail somewhere so I am like lets steal her floaties. I thought we were like the coolest cats on the beach for taking her floaties so I am braggin all the way home, and my boyfriend goes.. oh she gave those to me by the way! Oh effin really... so you and naked chick are best friends now, sharing floaties and whatever the hell else over there in the bushes! Thanks a lot asshole!

Now how do you think he would of felt if I was chillin in the bushes with some guy with his cock out??

(Sorry I am not usually this much of a potty mouth- just choked that's all!)

Monday, July 12, 2010

A Positive Rant

Since ranting can sometimes get judged as a negative thing to do, I must liven things up a bit with a little taste of positive ranting... you see I let people rant on my blog to give them a sense of freedom.  We have no judges, we are not friends who will tell you to leave or that dreadful ' I told you so'.  No -ranting is just a way of venting, without hurting anyones feelings.  Sometimes we just need to get things off of our chest, or hear other people problems to know that our own are not all that bad.  However, in a world of ranting, I must show you all that I am not this wicked ol witch of relationships.  I am just like you, and enjoy positivity and humor, I hope this makes you smile...
(click here for a bit of positivity..._

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Visit dmchatster's channel to see more of Jessica's daily affirmations...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Razor Burned: Bachelor Party UPDATE!


So you may remember me, I am the crazy girl who was freakin about my man going to a bachelor party on July 3rd.  Well the time came and went, and wow... do I need to rant!  So I have not heard anything really about the night.  He did not come home until five am, and he was drunker then drunk, but nothing too unusual.  Except for the fact that he shaved.... well um down there.  He does this a few times a year, but I found it peculiar for him to do this before a bachelor party?  Like who was he planning on showing his shit to?  Did he do this in preparation for the strippers?  Should I be concerned?  I know if I did that he would freak!

I asked him why he did it, and he said because he was shaving his head so he kept going, well that is funny because he shaves his head once a month at least, and not the rest of his man parts.   Usually when he does that he will do everything, his armpits etc. (yeah I know my man shaves his pits-weird I know).

Other then that nothing out of the ordinary.  They were pissed because the strippers charged them $100 for the booth, but no mention of what happened or any funny stories??? Perhaps they are keeping quiet while I am around, but I still cannot get this whole shaving thing out of my mind.  I just don't get it.  I know women shave their lady parts in preparation for a 'good time', so I am sure it is the same for men.  Perhaps your male readers could give me some advice...  I guess the only one that got razor 'burned' was me!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Monday, July 5, 2010

My Wife... The Bitch (Parental Advisory Warning-Language)

Queen, This one goes out to my wife... the bitch.

I have about had my fill of being around an unappreciative bitch day in and day out. I have had enough of seeing nothing but your back when we go to bed at night. I work my ass off 6 days a week and my reward is hearing you bitch and whine about how I don't do anything with the family. But when I AM home you have stupid shit that you have to go do, so what the fuck difference does it make whether I'm home or not? I am beginning to think that your just pissed because you want a babysitter at home so you can go do whatever it is that you want to do.

I had a very rare 3 day weekend. You had to work today so I thought I would be nice and do some extra cleaning. I scrubbed the damn shower so clean that you could eat off the floor. I washed and put away the dishes and organized our cupboards. I got on my hands and knees and used resolve powder and a brush to get out every little dirty spot in the living and dining room rug. I thawed out the pot roast and slow cooked it in the oven so that it would be nice and tender and ready when you got home. AND WHAT WAS MY THANKS? You yelled at me because you were not planning on having roast tonight!!!!

So you didn't feel like eating roast tonight. WHOOPTY FUCKIN DOO! The polite thing to do would be to say thank you but I was in the mood for this chicken that I bought at the store and then to look around to see how FUCKIN clean the house was and say something, ANYTHING positive. BUT NO....Your too much of a proud bitch to do anything like that. I tell you what, go ahead and eat that chicken you brought home with a side serving of GOFUKYOURSELF and a couple of spoonfulls of FINDSOMEOTHERSUCKER cuz I think I am done with your dumb ass. You think that your shit don't stink and that you can say or do anything that you want and I am going to take that kind of shit? I don't think so!!!!

To you and all the other wives that take their husbands or boyfriends for granted: WAKE THE FUCK UP!!! You wanna know why most married men are tempted to cheat? HERE'S YOUR FUCKING SIGN!

And to any naysayers out there; what I did today was not unusual. I help with the cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, feeding pets...etc. I show my wife affection by rubbing her feet and shoulders whenever she asks me too. I think I just might start looking around for someone who will be thankful for a guy like me. 

Friday, July 2, 2010

Money: The Root Of All Evil


My husband is horrible with money.  I swear the effin guy thinks it grows on trees.  It never fails around rent time we are at each others throats.  He always overspends and then does not have any money so I am forced to take it off of my credit card.  I always have my share, but he never has his.  Our roommate always gives him his portion of the rent, and instead of giving it to me, he goes and spends one or two hundred dollars of it.  Can you effin believe that.  So a couple of days ago when I see our roommate give him the money I say... you should give that to me or you are going to spend it.  He completely ignores me and then puts it in his drawer.  So yesterday when its time to put the rent in, he says I am short $130 on my portion, and I spent $100 out of the roomies.  Oh isn't that effin nice of you.  So now I have to take $230 off of my credit card.  Which I just had to get a loan to pay it down as I was paying like $300 a month just in interest.  Well I went ballistic.  I told him this was the last time, and not to ever ask me where my money goes because one whole check goes to bills and the other goes to rent.  So then I have no money to spend on me.  I can barely afford the coffee, gas, and parking for work.  He always asks me, where did all your money go, and I feel like punching him repeatedly screaming rent and bills you effin joke of a man.

I do not know what to do.  We constantly fight about money and I am pinching and saving to try and afford a house, some sort of vacation, clothes...  I have nothing for me, and meanwhile where does his money go?  Well who the eff knows!  I would love to separate our finances, but he says there is no point in being together if we separate our money??? What a joke that is, he just would never be able to pay his own bills and rent-- that is the problem.  He always turns it around on me and says to leave and go live on my own, sad thing is that I would be better off financially if I did!
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