A Pictures Worth A Thousand Words

Well my darlings, it is Friday and that means it is time to lighten things up and get some laughs....

Remember you can send me photos and rants or anything else that floats your boat!

And hey-you know I love people following me, well my blog, I do not much appreciate people following me in real life-who do you think you are the freakin CIA... lol

Without further ado-here is a Friday funny for you...

Joe and Marie were looking through their wedding album to rekindle the fire in their relationship... they both looked at eachother and said...

"Who knew marriage would suck the life out of us so quickly?"

A Pictures Worth A Thousand Words

Well, what a serious week we had together-the ups the downs, I feel like I am on a freakin emotional roller coaster.  I should have realized it since I am a woman and once a month my hormones get tangled in a huge knot.  Finally I feel like I can take out my knife (that's not a knife, this is a knife) and cut the tension that has my mind consumed, and finally breath again.  As my hormonal imbalance (thanks Jebus) comes to an end, I have time to reflect on my mistakes and hopefully learn for the next time it happens in a mere 21 days. 

Who am I kidding?  I won't remember a freaking thing and I will hop back on that effin roller coaster because... because.. I do not know why people go on effin roller coasters-to throw up? oh ya the rush- I will get back on for the rush???

Anyways folks, in an attempt to make you all laugh with me-not at me, I welcome you to the third installment of A Pictures Worth A thousand Words...

Lets call her Down, and him Up.....

Up: *Right click* *right click*, (types) does that feel good baby... you know you want this... *right click* *right click*... *space bar* *space bar*.... 

Down:  He thinks I don't know that he is cyber sexing it up online right now, I am not stupid.  I mean what guy would prefer to right click someone online, then riiiggghhhhttt click someone in real life?  I guess he is still having problems with the erectile dysfunction.  What am I doing here?

Up: Ha she has no idea what I am doing-probably thinks I am looking at stocks or some shit, when really I am hitting it up with this hot young chick.

Down:  He's probably getting nasty with some 19 year old boy playing some joke with his buddies... what a dumbass....

Up:  I mean why can't I get a girl like this in real life... oh yeah my ED, maybe I should just go to the doctor and get some of those pills Larry was telling me about?

Down:  Why are men so clueless when it comes to women.  I am just going to go find a real man.  Someone that knows how to please me, and tell me the things I need to hear.  Someone who is good with their hands, who's young, hip and fun.

**************** Up gets up and goes to the washroom**************

******************Down sits down in front of laptop*****************

Down (types):  So whats your name?

A Pictures Worth A Thousand Words

So it is that time y'all, eff I love saying that... anyways, it is time for our next installment of my beloved segment titled, A Pictures Worth A Thousand Words.  Yeah that's right I am sure you have all been missing it so lets get er done!

PS-Don't forget to send me your funny pictures so I can interpret them for you, and keep my gang smiling-I am worried if they stop loving me, they will hunt me down and find out my one weakness- yes folks that is right Clark Kent's was cryptonite, but mine is far far worse-eggplant-I hate it-it is so gross no matter how you cook it-I can see it now my followers charging at me with pinatas filled with eggplant.  So send them to me right away-you hear me!

Her:  So I gotta ask, why did you bring this stop sign to bed with you hun?

Him:  You know why!

Her:  No I don't, please enlighten me.

Him:  Well I am sick of you always forcing yourself on me.  I mean we have sex like thirty times a day, and I just can't do it anymore!

Her:  What do you mean you can't do it anymore, you made a vow!

Him:  Yeah, but the sex is supposed to dwindle in relationships over time, and you have not let up in 6 years.

Her:  So you think by putting some measly stop sign in the middle of us, you are safe from my raging sexual libido.  I don't think so hunny, now come here and give me your lovin, I want ten more babies, and no stupid sign is going to stop me!

Him:  You are crazy, I think you need to see a therapist.

Her:  Or what, are you going to go and cry to the Queen about how I want your monkey thirty times a day, all the men will laugh at you, go ahead Bwah hahhahahah (evil laugh). Now come here!

Him:  No Stop-No means no!

Her:  Yeah right- we all no that is bullsh*t

Stop Sign:  So when are we gonna get freaky here guys?

NEW SEGMENT: A Pictures Worth A Thousand Words

A shout out to Give me Paws for inspiring this new segment.  You see ranting is great and all, but I need to keep my readers happy, excited, loving me, and following me, in a hope that one day I will be whisked away to amazing places where I can buy gold toed boots and Chanel necklaces-thanks a lot Slumber Designs.  So now I have my usual rants, my polls, my Queen Peeves and now my new segment... A Pictures Worth A Thousand Words.  Basically, I will interpret what these people are saying in their pictures!  I love doing this already in real life, and my dogs can vouch for me.  Feel free to send me your pics to have interpreted for you.  Or just take random pics and send them to me and I will see what I can come up with, either way... this should be fun.

Lets call her Bear Woman and him.... Octopus Man.





Octopus Man:  Whoa hun, whats wrong?
Bear Woman:   Nothing, I am fine.
OM:  Well you do not look fine.
BW:  What is that supposed to mean, are you saying I am fat?
OM:  No of course not, you are as beautiful as the day I married you.
BW:  Yeah right, that was five years and five pounds ago, you think I am fat, you probably think I look like a bear!
OM:  Now why would I think that?
BW:  Because I saw you checking out that woman the other day, you now that beautiful one with the paws.
OM:  You know I would never look at another woman...
BW:  Yeah right, you are such a liar!
OM:  Okay quit it now, you are getting all fired up for nothing, you are beautiful and I was not checking anyone out.
BW:  Oh hunny you are so wonderful I could just eat you up.
OM:  Well lets try some role playing like we did the other weekend when little Johnny went to his friends house.
BW:  Oh roar.
OW:  Okay I am a octopus, and you are a wild bear.
BW:  Okay grab my wrists and pretend like you are going to swallow me whole.
OW:  Okay now you look at me all ferociously and act like you are going to bite me, show me your teeth!
BW:  Wait a minute, why would a bear and an octopus be trying to have sex with eachother?
OW:  Too late, I'm done that was great!  Can you go make me a sandwich?

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A Positive Rant

Since ranting can sometimes get judged as a negative thing to do, I must liven things up a bit with a little taste of positive ranting... you see I let people rant on my blog to give them a sense of freedom.  We have no judges, we are not friends who will tell you to leave or that dreadful ' I told you so'.  No -ranting is just a way of venting, without hurting anyones feelings.  Sometimes we just need to get things off of our chest, or hear other people problems to know that our own are not all that bad.  However, in a world of ranting, I must show you all that I am not this wicked ol witch of relationships.  I am just like you, and enjoy positivity and humor, I hope this makes you smile...
(click here for a bit of positivity..._

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Visit dmchatster's channel to see more of Jessica's daily affirmations...

The Day I Mooned My Ex

About a month after she and I broke up, my birthday was coming up, and she called one day and asked if I would agree to her taking me out for a drink. Now, I know full and well all about the 'no contact' deal, and I violated it, like we all have. It's not the end of the world. I let know I'd think about it, not sure right now, and feels a little weird. But within ten minutes of getting off the phone, my little plan began to transpire. I have a twisted sense of humor, definitely dry, abstract. But my humor isn't sick or evil. She could've been a jerk, but my plan isn't to instill psychological turmoil.

She had to get a lot of stuff of mine back to me. She'd been saying she'd drop them off for about 2 wks, but was resting on that. I agreed for her to take me out, asking that she bring the stuff along. To go along w/that whole 'no contact,' be assured I never initiated first contact.

We went out, I had an Irish car-bomb. We went somewhere else after, bickered about some stuff, and then she dropped me off. I was just about to get out of the car, put my hand on her shoulder or neck, can't remember, kind of like an 'ok, cool, bye' which somehow resulted in her leaning over and a quick kiss?

Anyway, I got out, loosened my belt, and MOONED HER. I glanced back to get the reaction. She was frozen. I just walked away...

I mean really, do you need to beg to them, give them one last 'reconsider' talk?

I highly recommend this. They never expect it. Forego any 12-step self help book. This is bliss. It's harmless, innocent, silly and weird, but not creepy. You're kind of getting back at them, but not in an angry, rage-driven way. You don't look like an idiot. I guarantee they'll give you respect and/or admiration. You'll walk away cool. Mooning is like saying "F you, and I don't give a F, anyway."

(btw, I'm the guy who wrote the cancer/relationship story, which also goes out to the women I've met who survived cancer, made it their be-aatch, and are total dollfaces. Some of them had total douchbags leave them.) Thank you, Queen!