I do not want to have children by some accident, and in fact I don't really need a man to have a child, I am perfectly fine with picking my sperm baby right out of a binder. A few people I know that have done this have beautiful children, and to top it off they got to pick the man (from a picture) including his appearance, how much money he makes, whether he went to school or not and many other little interesting things. However, I would prefer if a man wanted to have children with me, and my man in the past has told me that he does. He makes certain excuses as to why he cannot right now or why he is scared to have another child, but he has never said he did not want children. Despite the fact that he has never told me he does not want them, I have always had this inkling that he does not want them, and so does my mother!
A little background information, he has a child and an ex, not wife, but an ex, and she is a real piece of work. I think that she has majorly scarred him form having more children, just because of all the shit she has caused and still causes almost on a weekly basis. If I were him I would not want to have any kids in fear that after birth I may turn into this horrible monster of a woman who will rip the life from his very soul, just like she has, but I have been clear with him since day one that I am not like that and if you do not want to be with me then I can gladly take care of my child by myself. You see I firmly believe if a man does not want to help you raise your child then do not force him to, it will only lead to future disasters, and I never want my child to ever think that they were not good enough or not loved, eff that!
My man is a great father, there are a few things I disagree with but that is natural as the child is not mine, and if he was I would perhaps pipe up a bit more when I disagree with something he does. It is mostly that he spoils him, but I think he does it because of how horribly she treats her son, so its like he tries to make up for it by spoiling the shit out of him. I admire my man for sticking by this as most men would have run away years ago. Despite the many obstacles his ex puts in his way, he always perseveres.
Over the weekend we had a few people over for a BBQ and I was chatting with this gal who had a 14 month baby. She just adored her and we shot the shit about parenting and such. She asked if I had kids and I said no, but he has a son. Then the man pipes up and they start chatting and all of a sudden I heard the words that tore my heart in two- I am going to have anymore kids.
That was Saturday, and it has been eating me up since I heard it slip from his tongue. I feel like a piece of me has been taken or lied to. Led to believe that I was going to be a mother soon, only to find out that it would not be with him. On the bright side, I now have a lead in to that dreadful 'talk' that we must have now. No more lingering of intentions that can be misconceived or misinterpreted. No more time can be wasted. If he says no he does not want children I think I have to leave. I mean it sounds selfish, but I cannot compromise on this. Many other things I could, but not this.
So my wonderful readers, followers and commenter's, please tell me what you think I should do. What should I say, and if I do not get the answer I want-do I leave?
PS-My apologies for not posting my Relationship Rant Playlist Song 3 yesterday, but this post just made me want to share it with you now, and how appropriately titled is it for this post. Enjoy!