Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I Have Never Heard My Mom Cry
You see my mom and I have some history. She was an alcoholic until ten years ago, so me and my brothers grew up with her, then with foster parents and then with my dad. She has done some horrible things to us as kids and I do not care to discuss these things, but after ten years of sobriety she has never once apologized or acknowledged her mistakes, until two days ago.
I know she wants what is best for me, I mean I know that now. It started off as just a little rant to her that I am getting really annoyed at my man and the way he talks to me. You know just peeves that I have even told all of you. Well she blew up. She said it is unacceptable and controlling of him to do and say these things, and that I am a grown woman and I do not need to be told how to pack the dishwasher. I could not imagine if I had told her more...
After her own rant-I could hear her crying, not like a whaling cry or anything-just a whimper- the kind when you do not want to cry but you just cannot stop it from happening. I did it too- cause you can't cry at work right?
She said she blames herself for why I cannot be more assertive in my relationship. She says it is her fault for me not standing up for myself to him. I told her I am assertive in most other areas of my life, just not so much when it comes to my relationship- and I mean that is not entirely true. I have the balls to say when I disagree, I just do not get the results I want. Maybe I am stupid for trying-I should not be trying to change a man, but I am not asking for a life altering change-just some respect, appreciation, and to be spoken to like an adult with dignity and love. Not like a five year old that did not rinse her dish before putting it in the dishwasher. Not to be told everytime you do something wrong-that it is wrong-and there is a better way to do it-his way.
My mom told me that after five years of being with my man-I have nothing to show for it, and she was right. I do not have kids, I am not married, I do not have a house or even a nice car. I have nothing.
Ever since that talk with my mom I feel like a failure. Part of me thinks she is right, and part of me thinks she is wrong. She said that if I still have nothing that I want by the time I am 28 I need to leave. That I should set timelines and goals, and tell him these things. To be assertive, and not take his crap.
You see this is why I do not talk to my friends and family about this stuff-because I get judged and told that I am wrong-just like what my man does. Why does everyone keep telling me I am wrong -am I wrong?
Some days I could care less about what I want, but when me and the man are in a rut like this-it weighs on me heavily. Hearing my mom cry made me think I am wrong-that this must be a bigger issue than I even thought it was- if she is going to blame herself for all my wrongness. Who is wrong-is anyone wrong? I cannot very well give the man an ultimatum like if you do not give me kids I am gone, that is a nasty situation, but I think I am reasonable enough to be able to demand respect and if I do not get it do I leave?
I know my mom wants what is best for me, but she also cannot protect me from all of life's little dilemmas. She cannot get me respect from him, and she is not really here to know if I am happy or not. I mean all you tell people is the bad, not when everything is going great, then you talk about how your work is going badly. As humans we are more likely to talk about the bad then the good, so I do not want her or you all to think my life is filled with disrespect and grief-I just tend to share that stuff more often then when I got a back rub or told how beautiful I am-which is less often then when I get told that I am wrong... I am going crazy folks, your help is greatly appreciated.