You see my mom and I have some history. She was an alcoholic until ten years ago, so me and my brothers grew up with her, then with foster parents and then with my dad. She has done some horrible things to us as kids and I do not care to discuss these things, but after ten years of sobriety she has never once apologized or acknowledged her mistakes, until two days ago.
I know she wants what is best for me, I mean I know that now. It started off as just a little rant to her that I am getting really annoyed at my man and the way he talks to me. You know just peeves that I have even told all of you. Well she blew up. She said it is unacceptable and controlling of him to do and say these things, and that I am a grown woman and I do not need to be told how to pack the dishwasher. I could not imagine if I had told her more...
After her own rant-I could hear her crying, not like a whaling cry or anything-just a whimper- the kind when you do not want to cry but you just cannot stop it from happening. I did it too- cause you can't cry at work right?
She said she blames herself for why I cannot be more assertive in my relationship. She says it is her fault for me not standing up for myself to him. I told her I am assertive in most other areas of my life, just not so much when it comes to my relationship- and I mean that is not entirely true. I have the balls to say when I disagree, I just do not get the results I want. Maybe I am stupid for trying-I should not be trying to change a man, but I am not asking for a life altering change-just some respect, appreciation, and to be spoken to like an adult with dignity and love. Not like a five year old that did not rinse her dish before putting it in the dishwasher. Not to be told everytime you do something wrong-that it is wrong-and there is a better way to do it-his way.
My mom told me that after five years of being with my man-I have nothing to show for it, and she was right. I do not have kids, I am not married, I do not have a house or even a nice car. I have nothing.
Ever since that talk with my mom I feel like a failure. Part of me thinks she is right, and part of me thinks she is wrong. She said that if I still have nothing that I want by the time I am 28 I need to leave. That I should set timelines and goals, and tell him these things. To be assertive, and not take his crap.
You see this is why I do not talk to my friends and family about this stuff-because I get judged and told that I am wrong-just like what my man does. Why does everyone keep telling me I am wrong -am I wrong?
Some days I could care less about what I want, but when me and the man are in a rut like this-it weighs on me heavily. Hearing my mom cry made me think I am wrong-that this must be a bigger issue than I even thought it was- if she is going to blame herself for all my wrongness. Who is wrong-is anyone wrong? I cannot very well give the man an ultimatum like if you do not give me kids I am gone, that is a nasty situation, but I think I am reasonable enough to be able to demand respect and if I do not get it do I leave?
I know my mom wants what is best for me, but she also cannot protect me from all of life's little dilemmas. She cannot get me respect from him, and she is not really here to know if I am happy or not. I mean all you tell people is the bad, not when everything is going great, then you talk about how your work is going badly. As humans we are more likely to talk about the bad then the good, so I do not want her or you all to think my life is filled with disrespect and grief-I just tend to share that stuff more often then when I got a back rub or told how beautiful I am-which is less often then when I get told that I am wrong... I am going crazy folks, your help is greatly appreciated.
Queen: Your mom is wrong... Why is it that the older generation always says " u have nothing to show for it'? my ex bf had that attitude as well. I remember he mumbled something about 'wanting to show that it was worth being in a relationship'... why is it that people have to have a physical benefit from something? Your mother was wrong to say that to you.... And no, however small the change is that u want, u can't expect unless that PERSON IS WILLING to change....
ReplyDeleteI think when your mother started venting it was probably because of what u have gone through, she probably feels she was a lousy parent but hey, we do what we do at the time... We all make mistakes... If anything she should of been more sympathetic ... I think from now on for your sake- do what I do... Make a list of pros and cons on whatever situation that u r questioning... It works believe me...Stop beating yourself up!
queen: as far as crying, I only have heard my mom cry when my grandfather died ( her dad).. and that was the ugly cry as Oprah would say...
ReplyDeleteOh man, count your blessings. My mom cries all the time!! Wanna switch ;-) j/k j/k!
ReplyDeleteAs for the quote... I so can't wait to see it!! Send it my way! And I was actually going to do a post asking everyone to send me their favorite quote. And then I'd post them on the right hand side of the blog and put the quote and the blogger's name/link.
Your Mom is wrong. She has issues with her past mistakes, and is trying to "fix" them now with your adult life. Here's the deal. My Mom always says "If it's not an issue in your relationship, it's not an issue." If you're OK with how your life is, then don't let her convince you that it's not OK. If your not ok with aspects of your life then discuss it with the MAN not MOM. That's the only way anything will change, in fact talking with Mom can often make it worse. And there's no saying that if you want a house or a car or even kids, that you can't do that on your own. (I did, well the house and car thing, the kids I'm doing alone now by choice) What is NOT wrong, is asking the man where he wants HIS life to be by 30. If it doesn't match with yours, that's OK, just make sure that if you're staying with him, they are things you can live without. -J
ReplyDeletethank-you everyone-I am feeling better already-see you guys are the best-no judgments-just solid good advice-loves ya MUAH
ReplyDeleteQueen...only you know how you are being treated in your relationship and what you are willing to tolerate. Only your opinion truly matters.
ReplyDeleteI have found in the past that people in general tend to reach out and discuss the negatives more than the positives. There is always a downfall to sharing too much with close friends and family because they end up forming negative opinions of your significant other that are difficult to change. I know that I personally have a good cry and blow things out of proportion and then share when I'm emotionally distraught making situations seem worse than they are...this can do permanent damage to the way friends view your man. I now tell friends...look I love him and he loves me...but I have to vent. Without judging our relationship can you just hear me out. I find this helps a bit.
Unfortunately, its true that children who grow up with dysfunctional parents learn to tip toe around issues and pretend they aren't affected by them, making asserting themselves in future relationships difficult. These children, as adults, are more likely to be in abusive and dysfunctional relationships. This is not a certainty by any means, but it can be a major factor.
In the end you have to trust yourself to know what is best for you.
I can't give you advice because if I did I would only be projecting my own experiences onto yours. I was with 2 different men (at different times) who never were going to marry me but I always told myself they would someday. When I finally knew better, I left, but you can't leave until and unless you are ready. Controlling, disrespectful men who do not want a 50/50 partner, but only want someone to cook and clean and f*** are not worth the time and effort. That's what I know. Whether or not you're with a man like that? That's for you to decide, and no one else. Not your friends, not your mom. You know the truth deep down. I recommend taking some quiet meditation time each day to really get in touch with what you know deep down, and there will be your answer.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't say you have nothing to show for your relationship. That's going a bit far, in my opinion. Some things we gain/learn cannot be seen.
ReplyDeleteI think there are questions you need to ask yourself: 1. If things stay the same, do you feel it is in your best interest to stay in this relationship? 2. Are you afraid of walking away--afraid you might regret it? 3. Would you be okay if this life you're now living with him is the life you will always live...no change? 4. Are you happy? 5. If not, can you name 3 things that would make you happy?
It's strange, but something happens to a woman's mindset when she reaches her late twenties/early 30s. You get stronger.
You love him; he loves you. BUT he absolutely should not make you feel like you are wrong all the time--I'm quite sure he's not right all the time...it's called being human.
Follow your instincts--they will guide you surprisingly well. *hugs* Don't be afraid, you will be just fine.
best thing to do is sit down and write a letter to yourself about your feelings, read it back to yourself and decide if you had received this letter from your friend what advice would you give her!
ReplyDeleteit works for me.
xx
Not being married or having kids are not markers of a bad or failing relationship. Sure, they are things that can bring you happiness and most women dream of them both. But you can still be totally happy in a decent relationship with a guy without them, and likewise can have them in the wrong relationship and be unhappy because of it.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like your mother is recognising the things she did wrong with you - which is good - but she's not going the right way about it because rather than advise you, she's simply criticising your man (though this is maybe because otherwise, she couldn't talk to you about the past).
I guess before you're confiding in her about your relationship you need to sort out the one you have with her first and clear the air. She's obviously guilty as hell for something and that won't help either of you.
Good luck!