60/40 Rule: A Ratio In Relationships

Well thank you everyone for contributing to my friend rant yesterday, some really great advice, as always, and a perspective that I think I will follow.  I should not rub it in that I was right and she was not.  She already knows that, even if she has not explicitly told me.  A came over last night, and I must say, it felt really good to have a friend to talk to, and not worry about judgements as she has no right to judge me after this escapade.

In my own little way I think I have made it clear to her that even though I may not understand or even agree with the decisions she has made, I am here for her no matter what, because that is what friends are for.  A was in need of a drowning of her sorrows so I bought some Malibu (her favorite) and we sat and talked for four hours straight.  We talked about love, life and everything in between.  We talked like we never could as kids, because we did not know who we were yet, and reality just did not seem to matter back then.

I told her that a wise woman once told me about the 60/40 rule, and it is what I live by now.  Just as many of you said yesterday-marriages/relationships are hard work!  Anyone who thinks they are bliss all the time has never been in a real relationship!  The 60/40 rule means that if your relationship is good 60% of the time, and bad 40% of the time, it is still worth fighting for.  When it gets closer to 50/50 you are in trouble.  In my relationship-at the worst of time, and yes our love has been tried and tested a number of times-we are 60/40, however, most days I would say we average about a 70/30.  I am in love, and I know this.  No one in their right mind could convince me otherwise.

Sometimes I feel like tossing in the towel, but most of the time I cannot picture my life with out him.  Not because its easier to stay, but because it would be so hard to leave the man that I picture spending the rest of my life with... even after almost 6 years of being together. You see I think relationships need to be tested-you need to go through something horrible to see if you can both survive, and still love that person after it is all over.  I don't think A ever had that.  Like I said, she had it all, and if drinking was that horrible thing I speak of, then that was their test, and they failed.  If you think about it, that is precisely what wedding vows say,

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

These words should not be taken lightly-and they were never meant to be changed or underestimated.  These words do not translate to, if that SOB gets drunk tonight its over...  where did we lose the meaning, who are we to think we have any right to decide what these words even mean and when vows can be broken, why is marriage not what it used to be? 

I think the thing that A said that stood out to me the most last night was this,


"Whats the point in being in a relationship if half the time you feel more like their mother then their wife, and the other half of the time they are drunk or yelling"

Despite the fact that I have felt like this before, clearly, A and J did not have a 60/40 relationship ratio.