Wednesday, August 18, 2010

60/40 Rule: A Ratio In Relationships

Well thank you everyone for contributing to my friend rant yesterday, some really great advice, as always, and a perspective that I think I will follow.  I should not rub it in that I was right and she was not.  She already knows that, even if she has not explicitly told me.  A came over last night, and I must say, it felt really good to have a friend to talk to, and not worry about judgements as she has no right to judge me after this escapade.

In my own little way I think I have made it clear to her that even though I may not understand or even agree with the decisions she has made, I am here for her no matter what, because that is what friends are for.  A was in need of a drowning of her sorrows so I bought some Malibu (her favorite) and we sat and talked for four hours straight.  We talked about love, life and everything in between.  We talked like we never could as kids, because we did not know who we were yet, and reality just did not seem to matter back then.

I told her that a wise woman once told me about the 60/40 rule, and it is what I live by now.  Just as many of you said yesterday-marriages/relationships are hard work!  Anyone who thinks they are bliss all the time has never been in a real relationship!  The 60/40 rule means that if your relationship is good 60% of the time, and bad 40% of the time, it is still worth fighting for.  When it gets closer to 50/50 you are in trouble.  In my relationship-at the worst of time, and yes our love has been tried and tested a number of times-we are 60/40, however, most days I would say we average about a 70/30.  I am in love, and I know this.  No one in their right mind could convince me otherwise.

Sometimes I feel like tossing in the towel, but most of the time I cannot picture my life with out him.  Not because its easier to stay, but because it would be so hard to leave the man that I picture spending the rest of my life with... even after almost 6 years of being together. You see I think relationships need to be tested-you need to go through something horrible to see if you can both survive, and still love that person after it is all over.  I don't think A ever had that.  Like I said, she had it all, and if drinking was that horrible thing I speak of, then that was their test, and they failed.  If you think about it, that is precisely what wedding vows say,

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

These words should not be taken lightly-and they were never meant to be changed or underestimated.  These words do not translate to, if that SOB gets drunk tonight its over...  where did we lose the meaning, who are we to think we have any right to decide what these words even mean and when vows can be broken, why is marriage not what it used to be? 

I think the thing that A said that stood out to me the most last night was this,

"Whats the point in being in a relationship if half the time you feel more like their mother then their wife, and the other half of the time they are drunk or yelling"

Despite the fact that I have felt like this before, clearly, A and J did not have a 60/40 relationship ratio.


  1. So, is 60/40 the right percentage? Wait, I look at those numbers as to give and take.. instead of good/bad... I see one partner maybe giving/compromising 60% and taking 40%... I can't see any relationship being even (50/50).. there is always one partner who has to give a little more... which is fine until the taker, takes advantage...I do see 60/40 working... I saw it in my marriage... and did not see it in my last bf/gf relationship... that was definitely 90/10- sad, huh? I gave more than got..those who know me attest to it..
    BTW, great post analysis!. Seems as tho your friendship has bonded even more.

  2. This has been very enlightening-and I expect it to be a new guidance for me and my relationship. Very interesting perspective and advice.

  3. A bit off the topic, but still on topic with precentages... Dear Abby once said, when the sex is good it's 10% of the relationship. When it's bad, it's 90%. It's all about precentages and prospective...

    And, in fairness to your friend and the drinking, Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. The drinking may have always been there, it just wasn't an issue then. -J

  4. @Juliana: your comment about alcoholism... you are absolutely right... didn't know my ex bf had that issue till we were into the relationship for about a year.... guess he let his guard down or it was his time to fall back into old habits.

  5. @Julianna-you are so right, it is all about perspective and up for interpretation, because what appears to be 70 good 30 bad for me could be interpreted differently by someone else. It so depends on what is important to you in terms of priorities of your relationship, sex, communication, values, emotions, etc.

    Thanks everyone you all rock! MUAH

  6. I just read and commented on your post from yesterday, and I truly believe you are right in all you stated. I love the concept behind the 60/40 rule. Perhaps his alcoholism became too much for her. Perhaps if she hadn't rushed into this marriage in the first place, she would have seen this as a potential issue before vows were exchanged and innocent children were brought into this situation.

    There are so many "maybe's" or "what if's" in relationships, and I suppose you never truly know what's going to happen, but you at least give yourself a chance to see the flags, warning signs, etc. I'm not sure she did that, and now things are where they are--it's sad and I truly hope things will work out for them all.

  7. Wow, such a cool way to start thinking. I am only 17 years old and the stories and wisdom you ladies have is really going to benefit me in the long run. Thanks for posting!

  8. i dint undrstud dis much....sum1 pls explain what s 60-40 rule actual;y meant for???


Let it out...

Related Posts with Thumbnails