Tuesday, August 17, 2010
She Got It All And It Still Was Not Good Enough
My friend A was the one of us that we all thought would be the last to marry and have kids. We all lived in the country and moved to the city to go to school, party and live out our twenty something lives. Within a couple of years, A met this guy J who none of us liked. I mean he was nice and all, just not A's type. Within a year, J convinced her to move back to the small town we came from, and not even a year later she was married and pregnant. I asked her what she was doing years ago. I said you totally settled. I know what you wanted your wedding to look like and you did not get any of it! You hated that town and now you have a house there, a kid on the way and J who you have nothing in common with. She argued with me a bit and told me everything was great.
I assumed she was telling me the truth, as not even a year ago she had her second child with him. Again, I spoke to her every once and a while, and everything was still a-okay. She bought a bigger home, a new truck, and had it all-the white picket fence, the house and the kids-in my eyes she had it all. She had so much I was at the point where I did not want to tell her about all my relationship problems because here I would look like some sort of idiot. I have none of those things, and fight constantly with the beau. I felt insecure and envious of her life.
Now two weeks later I get a call from her. She has left J and moved to the city. I am all like WTF happened. She said he drinks too much, and we made a date to chat about what the eff was going on.
I went over to her house on the weekend, and she told me her reason for leaving was simply that she did not feel attracted to J anymore. Yes he drank too much, but she said he had always done this. She told me she had been contemplating leaving before-before she even had her first child, and with every day that went by she thought to herself how hard it would be to leave now that she had kids, a mortgage, and oh so many responsibilities. She even said the sex was great even until the end? So what do you mean you are not attracted to him?
I found this to be a very selfish response, but I could not say it to her. Rather I agreed, told her I supported this decision and that I am here for her if she needs me.
So why? Why not tell us-her friends-that something was wrong? Why have a family with someone you do not even love? Why did she not listen to me when I warned her that this felt wrong? Why now? Now that you have children.
What I wanted to tell her, and hope that one day I will conjure up enough balls to tell her- is that she was selfish. She used J to get the kids because thats what she wanted at the time. She rushed into a marriage and a family without giving herself enough time to see the reality in it all. She let love guide her-and when that love ran out she left. Instead of giving herself time to get over the initial love struck feeling and see if she could put up with this man forever like her vows stated.
She gave a bad name to marriage-something I have been waiting for-for 5 years. Everyday I think that I will never get a chance to have children. Something she took for granted, I would give my right arm to have. She got it all, and it still was not good enough.