Tuesday, August 17, 2010

She Got It All And It Still Was Not Good Enough

So this rant is a little different.  Its not about my man, but yet one of the many other relationships we have as humans-those relationships with our friends.  You see I have this friend that I love dearly, however, she has made a very big decision in her life, and I still have not quite figured out if I support this decision or not-or if I even understand it for that matter. 

My friend A was the one of us that we all thought would be the last to marry and have kids.  We all lived in the country and moved to the city to go to school, party and live out our twenty something lives.  Within a couple of years, A met this guy J who none of us liked.  I mean he was nice and all, just not A's type.  Within a year, J convinced her to move back to the small town we came from, and not even a year later she was married and pregnant.  I asked her what she was doing years ago.  I said you totally settled.  I know what you wanted your wedding to look like and you did not get any of it!  You hated that town and now you have a house there, a kid on the way and J who you have nothing in common with.  She argued with me a bit and told me everything was great.

I assumed she was telling me the truth, as not even a year ago she had her second child with him.  Again, I spoke to her every once and a while, and everything was still a-okay.  She bought a bigger home, a new truck, and had it all-the white picket fence, the house and the kids-in my eyes she had it all.  She had so much I was at the point where I did not want to tell her about all my relationship problems because here I would look like some sort of idiot.  I have none of those things, and fight constantly with the beau.  I felt insecure and envious of her life.

Now two weeks later I get a call from her.  She has left J and moved to the city.  I am all like WTF happened.  She said he drinks too much, and we made a date to chat about what the eff was going on.

I went over to her house on the weekend, and she told me her reason for leaving was simply that she did not feel attracted to J anymore.  Yes he drank too much, but she said he had always done this.  She told me she had been contemplating leaving before-before she even had her first child, and with every day that went by she thought to herself how hard it would be to leave now that she had kids, a mortgage, and oh so many responsibilities.  She even said the sex was great even until the end?  So what do you mean you are not attracted to him? 

I found this to be a very selfish response, but I could not say it to her.  Rather I agreed, told her I supported this decision and that I am here for her if she needs me.

So why?  Why not tell us-her friends-that something was wrong?  Why have a family with someone you do not even love?  Why did she not listen to me when I warned her that this felt wrong?  Why now?  Now that you have children. 

What I wanted to tell her, and hope that one day I will conjure up enough balls to tell her- is that she was selfish.  She used J to get the kids because thats what she wanted at the time.  She rushed into a marriage and a family without giving herself enough time to see the reality in it all.  She let love guide her-and when that love ran out she left.  Instead of giving herself time to get over the initial love struck feeling and see if she could put up with this man forever like her vows stated.

She gave a bad name to marriage-something I have been waiting for-for 5 years.  Everyday I think that I will never get a chance to have children.  Something she took for granted, I would give my right arm to have.  She got it all, and it still was not good enough.


  1. Maybe what others think is a good thing isn't especially when its with the WRONG man? all the tea in China isn't gonna help if its rotten, right?.... As far as her spoiling what u want in a marriage, don't let it... Look at who said yes to this guy? that's the issue... Maybe the friend u all loved had changed, maybe she was shallow all along and just went w/what u all liked because she wanted to belong? alot of times people just settle instead of making the effort either in choosing friends, marriage, etc...
    Don't let her damper your dreams on marriage.. Again,marriage is work even w/the right person.. Mine was a lot better than some... We had our ups and downs but we worked at it.. we were committed and took those vows... Unfortunately my spouse was taken right before our 25th annivers... U need to find a man who is on the same page as u, that's more than half the battle to a good marriage.

  2. It sounds like she was foolish to get married to him in the first place and you did more than enough when you all speculated that they wouldn't work as a couple.

    In my first relationship, my parents and friends hated him but I didn't listen til I had to, and realised they were right. This sounds like what happened with your friend, only she let it drag on into marriage and kids.

    Admittedly you can get caught in the whirlwind and think things can work out with someone you aren't 100% sure of but we all have to listen to the inhibitions and take our friends' advice close to heart.

    You don't say how he reacts to any of this and in all honesty, it's him I feel sorry for!

  3. I have three married friends and they are all miserable. One of them just had a child and is pregnant with her fifth. She admits she only stays because of the money. OK, but why do you keep having kids with him!

    My other two friends openly cheat on their husbands and have children, one is now pregnant with her 4th and doesn't know if it's his!

    These are ny examples of marriages that I have around me. Don't let me get started on the ones that have boyfriends. UGH! Complete disasters. I would almost rather be single in my happy little bubble...

  4. Thank you all for your input-I really appreciate it, and it is great to know that I may not be the only person that has ever been in this situation-
    @KBF-it is difficult to not let this ruin marriage for me-however, at least I know whee I won't go wrong-I have had the time I needed to judge if this is a relationship I can deal with forever-we have been tried and tested-and at least I know that!
    @decubitus-as for him, he is doing everything in his power to get her back. She said that it just pushes her farther away, so now he is just trying to give her the space she wants-she says they are getting along better then they ever have now???
    @Jazz-hey thanks for stopping by-I appreciate your perspectives-its sad because everything that we see about marriage is negative-its enough to just toss in the towel.

  5. I'm the wrong person to ask on any of this.

    Marriage is work, more than you can imagine. So much, that sometimes you find yourself thinking, how could I have gotten myself here?

    Real, true work.

  6. It sounds like she was foolish to get married to him in the first place and you did more than enough when you all speculated that they wouldn't work as a couple.

    I agree with this, and really, resist the urge to rub it in now that she has come back to you for support. Her coming back is an admission that you were right, so you don't need to rub it in further.

    It sounds like she did what a lot of people mistakenly do now - Get married way too early. That doesn't bother me as much as the "having two kids with a drunk" thing though. Is she getting therapy now? Is she actively taking steps to better herself and her life situation? If not, she's just going to end up in a similarly bad situation and be attracted to another loser.

  7. Wow, this was an intense read and one of my biggest fears. I'm so afraid of falling in love and rushing into things only for them to fall apart a few years later. Marriage is serious thing, ESPECIALLY when you bring kids into the mix.

  8. You should not worry about what other people have or don't have in their lives or what they settle for, it’s what you settle for that is important.

    If A she is a real friend you should support her no matter what....We live in a society where the pressure is to conform, get married have 2.4 children and a lot of people get trapped.

    I have never wanted children and said so from the start of my relationship. Some so called friends of ours put pressure on my wife as they fell pregnant even telling her to leave me because I didn’t want children. I was even given the wonderful bit of advice “why not try having a child you might like it” and if I didn’t….

    We have a great life together and no regrets that we have not conformed. As for our friends, they all appear to be clones of each other, living just for their children. Even the friends they have are dictated by who their children play with….. I’m sure they are very happy with their lives it’s just not for me….

  9. Everyone gets married for their own reasons. Some love, some passion, some need, and some convienence. Accountability seems to be the last thing on many women's minds when it comes to having children. I know many Moms who are now "Moms of the moment", who opted out of full time mommy-ness.

    Listen, I married for what I thought (at 20) was love. Waited to have children for 5 years. I never thought my marriage would spiral the way it did, but it did. This was not the life I planned, but the life I wanted. And I know that this was the path my children and I were ment to be on. Sounds like your friend is either confused or really selfish.

    Sometimes there's no making some one happy. -J

  10. @BlackLog: More power to ya!... Glad u and your wife did not succumb to what others do.. BTW I checked out your site and it definitely appeals to me... Like your writing style..

  11. Sometimes i can't help but compare my relationships to that of my friends. A lot of them are settling down and always ask me why i'm not. I tell them i'm 22 not 30! I'll settle when i'm ready but they don't get it. I feel like i'm still to young and selfish to have kids and a husband and that i should wait for a more secure time in my life.

    Some great points made here. Thanks for posting x

  12. She certainly rushed into this marriage. You did what you could to save her from this, dare I say, inevitable ending. I'm a little slow to think it was love that guided her in the first place--perhaps lust or, as you said, "love-struck," which I have always felt was on par with puppy-love or some lesser equivalent of the real thing.

    I do think refraining from the "I told ya so," is a good idea...believe me, she knows...she remembers your words. I would bet your words have haunted her for a long time.

    What a sad situation--I feel just awful for her children. :(

  13. sorry i havnt commented sooner but some people try and convince themselves everything is ok and if you tell yourself your happy enough times you starta to think you are until it all gets too much. she may not have told you because she was denying it to herself.
    I dont know the girl so i cant really comment on wheather she was been selfish.

  14. A couple of people have said that you should refrain from saying "I told you so" in any way, and I want to second that. It's hard for anyone to admit they made a mistake in life.

    While I don't blame you for thinking about yourself in this situation and being irritated (I have had the same thoughts myself when my friends make poor decisions and come crying to me later), I've also been on the other end of this too.

    None of my friends or family seem to think I should be living with my current boyfriend. They believe he's all wrong for me, and that alone makes it hard for me to go to any of them when he and I have problems because it's just one more thing I can watch them put in the "why I was right about this all along" file. I know it's a dumb pride thing and that they really care about me, but it's still hard.

    Basically, I'm trying to say that acting like you had it figured out the whole time is just going to push her away and make her less willing to talk to you. It may be annoying to listen to her complain about situations she may have made for herself, though.


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