Tuesday, August 31, 2010

To Have Children-Or Not To Have Childre-That Is The Question

If you have been around my blog for awhile it will come as no surprise that I am effin crazy, really want to have children one day.  I mean I am in no rush, I am 26, and I would really like to have one at least by the time I hit 30.  Next March me and the man will have been together for 6 years and still no children.  In fact if you read my array of rants you will see that I indeed REALLY want to have children.

I do not want to have children by some accident, and in fact I don't really need a man to have a child, I am perfectly fine with picking my sperm baby right out of a binder.  A few people I know that have done this have beautiful children, and to top it off they got to pick the man (from a picture) including his appearance, how much money he makes, whether he went to school or not and many other little interesting things.  However, I would prefer if a man wanted to have children with me, and my man in the past has told me that he does.  He makes certain excuses as to why he cannot right now or why he is scared to have another child, but he has never said he did not want children. Despite the fact that he has never told me he does not want them, I have always had this inkling that he does not want them, and so does my mother!

A little background information, he has a child and an ex, not wife, but an ex, and she is a real piece of work.  I think that she has majorly scarred him form having more children, just because of all the shit she has caused and still causes almost on a weekly basis.  If I were him I would not want to have any kids in fear that after birth I may turn into this horrible monster of a woman who will rip the life from his very soul, just like she has, but I have been clear with him since day one that I am not like that and if you do not want to be with me then I can gladly take care of my child by myself.  You see I firmly believe if a man does not want to help you raise your child then do not force him to, it will only lead to future disasters, and I never want my child to ever think that they were not good enough or not loved, eff that!

My man is a great father, there are a few things I disagree with but that is natural as the child is not mine, and if he was I would perhaps pipe up a bit more when I disagree with something he does.  It is mostly that he spoils him, but I think he does it because of how horribly she treats her son, so its like he tries to make up for it by spoiling the shit out of him.  I admire my man for sticking by this as most men would have run away years ago.  Despite the many obstacles his ex puts in his way, he always perseveres.

Over the weekend we had a few people over for a BBQ and I was chatting with this gal who had a 14 month baby.  She just adored her and we shot the shit about parenting and such.  She asked if I had kids and I said no, but he has a son.  Then the man pipes up and they start chatting and all of a sudden I heard the words that tore my heart in two- I am going to have anymore kids.

That was Saturday, and it has been eating me up since I heard it slip from his tongue.  I feel like a piece of me has been taken or lied to.  Led to believe that I was going to be a mother soon, only to find out that it would not be with him.  On the bright side, I now have a lead in to that dreadful 'talk' that we must have now.  No more lingering of intentions that can be misconceived or misinterpreted.  No more time can be wasted.  If he says no he does not want children I think I have to leave.  I mean it sounds selfish, but I cannot compromise on this.  Many other things I could, but not this.

So my wonderful readers, followers and commenter's, please tell me what you think I should do.  What should I say, and if I do not get the answer I want-do I leave?

PS-My apologies for not posting my Relationship Rant Playlist Song 3 yesterday, but this post just made me want to share it with you now, and how appropriately titled is it for this post.  Enjoy!


  1. Queen: Bring me up to date, r u married to this person? or just living w/him? My gf who is also a widow and is 40 already has her two teenagers.. She met a man around her age who has never had a child and wants one... She told him that she is done having children... Sad, to say that was the deal breaker for her... If u r not married to this man, he should of been upfront w/you instead of avoiding the issue when u happened to bring it up... I think u and your mom are right... Maybe having that first marriage and that child and now having to pay support has made him gunshy in the baby dept... I can't say I blame him...and I realize u are hurt that he does not want children at all now... I think u have to have a heart to heart with him and after that make a list of pros and cons on this man... It sounds as if having/not having a child w/him would be the deal breaker for you.... If u have your heart set on having a child, cut your losses now w/him and plan out your future for that child...whether it be w/ a sperm bank or a new relationship w/a man who is on the same page w/you...
    BTW, I had no idea u are about the same age as my two daughters...omg,I do feel old...

  2. @KBF-I am not married, but I am not dead set on marriage, just the children part-I would like a wedding, but it is not a necessity. At first he said he does want them, but gradually over the last five years I have felt that slip away, but every once and a while he will say something to make me feel like it is going to happen. For example-a couple of months ago he said you should just go off your BC and if you get pregnant then you get pregnant????? WTF- talk about mixed messages.

    You are not old-I act a lot older then I really am-the man always jokes about how I act like I am 39. Perhaps you felt that over the radiowaves lol-MUAH thanks for your advice!

  3. Well, if he told you to go off the BC, well keep that in the back of your mind. One advantage to the binder method is that you never have to deal with drama like your man has to with his ex. One disadvantage is no child support.

    Coming from the one with a crazy ex, I'd trade child support any day not to have to deal with that ongoing-18-years-minimum-of-drama. And not having to "co-parent" (ie: try and get the ex to agree with me on how best to raise my kids.)

    I'd go the binder route when you're ready, emotionally and financially, if your man won't ever do it.

  4. PS: Only one good parent is MUCH better (mentally and emotionally, for you AND the kid)than one good parent -you- trying to make up for a dad who doesn't want to be a dad.

  5. @Queen: lady, u come off very mature!. The fact that he vascilates on the subject of babies is not good... At this stage in my life I don't need nor want marriage...As someone told me "don't settle'....U will invariably regret staying w/him and waiting for him to change his mind... U are so young... Your clock should not be ticking... tho I know its the desire.. I had my first at 26.. Took the advice of a doctor that told me to 'travel, get to know each other more'... he was right..We waited 5 years... Got married at 21 and he was 26...

  6. Children are a blessing but if your man doesn't want another one you should move on. Nothing will be the same if you have a child with him and if he's resentful about it. you shouldn't have to regret or question your desires, and wants for a family! Best of luck!

  7. Ask him directly. If he says No or ducks around the subject, it's over. Sorry, not the answer you want, I'm sure, but parenthood is not something you can take or leave. It's a life time commitment. I am rasing 2 on my own, and although it's hard,it's better than them having one half-assed parent along for the ride. (Instead they have me... a full assed parent HA!)I did have to make the decision of weather I wanted more later when I was 30... I chose to not have any more. I love my boys, but I know in my heart that I do not want any more. And YOU know in your heart that you DO. You can't move forward if you're standing still. -J

  8. What bothers me upon reading this is that he seems to consistently downplay the importance of this to you. Maybe I'm not getting the whole story and he has acknowledged your feelings in conversations, but it seems inconsiderate to waffle on the subject, only to bring it up so casually later.

    I agree with the above posters that it SOUNDS like in his heart he doesn't want more children - and I can certainly understand why, given his situation. I don't want to come down on him too hard, though, by assuming he was dishonest with you. It sounds like he really loves you, and perhaps he said he wanted children because he knew it would make you happy, and because he wanted to believe it would one day make him happy, too.

    I also think that he's starting to realize that he may never want children, but that he still wants to be with you - so obviously there's a big contradiction there that he's not ready to face.

    That said, you are right to call him out on what he said to the woman at the BBQ - that was completely insensitive and you deserve to know how he really feels. As for what you should or shouldn't do if he says he doesn't want children, though, only you can decide that part.

  9. thank-you all for your insight and advice-you are right deep down I must make this decision, it is just sometimes I can be a bit well irrational-there I said it. The truth is I want children and no one is going to stand in my way, this may hurt us both, but settling will hurt even more-I need this, I need another somebody on this planet that is just like me, that will cause chaos and piss people off-they will be the best and worst of me-and I will love every piece of them. I will keep you posted-once we have the talk-which there is never a good time for...

  10. Yes you need to ask him directly and tell him you want a yes or no. Tell him that you do want to be a Mom and if he doesn't then yes that would be a deal breaker. If you have been with him this long and your still not married or have children, and you want that, then you have the answer. Also if you even though for one minute that you would break up with him because he doesn't want kids then you mustn't love him enough in the first place.....just my thoughts! Keep us posted and good luck!

  11. Java-Just because you love someone does not mean you must throw all your wants and needs out the window for them does it? Of course I love him, perhaps not enough to give up on what I want, which I do not think anyone should do. Like I said certain things I am willing to compromise on, but not kids.

  12. First off, let me say that I do not know your bf, but if I had a man who one day told me to go off bc and if you get pregnant "great," if not "oh well," I don't think I would stick around. It just doesn't sound like someone who cares about having children.

    Having said that, you need to sit him down and ask him. You are only 26--which I never would have guessed b/c you do sound much more mature. To make a goal of having children by the time you are 30 is up to you, but it is certainly not the end all-be all. I had a friend who had a baby out of wedlock at 26, then another about one year later, and she is tired, stressed, and unhappy; she loves her babies, but this is not what she wanted in life.

    It does sound like you are struggling too much in your relationship. It's time to find out where things are going; he needs to answer the tough questions. You deserve to know, rather than sit and wonder and worry. *hugs*

  13. Queen- this is such a personal choice that nobody else can make it for you. I do know from prior posts that you and your boyfriend do not have the most stable relationship and that there are issues there. To me that is a warning flag because children do not fix relationships, they add stress to it. Take all advice with a grain of salt and in the end weigh your own pros and cons and make the choice that works best for you!

  14. You definitely have an honest talk with him. Let him verbalize his feelings. And finish off by verbalizing yours: you want kids, you are prepared to have them through a sperm donor, is he ok with this, does he want to participate? This can be resolved, I feel.

  15. This has really hit home to me...being a mother of 2 daughters much older than you. My youngest has a little boy 3. My grandson brings such joy in her, her husband and our (my husband and I) lives. Now my oldest daughter is almost 40 ...never married...living with her high school boyfriend. I have asked her about marriage and babies and she says she wants both. I am so afraid that she is afraid she will loose him if she brings it up. Which I am sure it would hurt but in the long run might be a good thing. Can you tell he is not my favorite person? I think she is afraid that she will not find anyone else ( she ..I think has low self asteam because of being over weight.) She is a beautiful person inside and out. Teachers 9th grade English and is getting her masters degree. I am so afraid that by the time she realizes she needs to talk to him and make some decisions that it will be too late. Sorry to go on and on but my advice to you is this.......If you want a baby then you should try to get one .........if that means leaving him and moving on than that is what you should do. If you really want a baby and don't because of him you will always regret it.


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