Monday, June 21, 2010

My Boyfriends Best Friend

Queen,

My boyfriend actually he's my fiance', has a best female friend that has been his friend long before I came into the picture. However the only reason why they just stayed friends according to her is that he is not her type but if he was I know he would have tried to hook up with her on a relationship level. He's told me this himself which I think wasn't a good idea to tell me. Anyway I have been trying really hard to deal with their friendship especially since she assured me that they are just friends and she has no intentions on taking it any further with him. They both said they look at each other like brother and sister. Even though I'm 99% sure they are just friends and it's not sexual in any means I still get a little annoyed at how close they are.

Here's some of the things that annoy me. They are always texting and talking to each other on a daily basis. They both work for the post office and were working at the same office until she moved to another office recently so I can understand they may have work related issues to discuss but the way they talk to each other just puzzles me...There are times when they tell each other "I love you", and they call each other baby sometimes, (which he does have a habit of calling women baby in general), I know for a fact he tells her things he doesn't tell me, they say little nasty remarks to each other sometimes, they have a night where they bowl on a team together. I know they meet up for lunch some times which he doesn't tell me about, I just found this out on my own. I really don't think this is cool because when he does things behind my back I feel he's hiding something.. If they are just friends what's wrong with him telling me they have lunch sometimes!

Am I just jealous or would this bother some of you if your mate had a friendship like this. I know there could be a part of me that could just be jealous because I gave up all my male friends when I got into this committed relationship because I just feel it causes problems in the relationship when you are constantly dealing with the opposite sex and they become a priority over your mate. I also moved here solely to be with him so I have no friends here at all. So perhaps his friendship with this girl stands out more because I don't have my own friends here. I'm also the type of woman that if I do have a male friend and he gets into a committed relationship I back off a little because I wouldn't want to make his woman uncomfortable. I surely wouldn't be texting and talking to him constantly but that's just how I feel about things. Well I'm basically just ranting because I'm not going to do anything about it because other than this our relationship is fine and we get along good. I just hate to have things waying on my heart so I thought I would see what others thought. And yes I have spoken to him about this before and he tells me I have nothing to be concerned about because they are just friends and I should let it go...I'm seriously thinking of finding a male friend of my own and see how he likes it if I treat him how he treats his female friend...

24 comments:

  1. ok here is an unbiased and oustsiders opinion based on your facts ( which we all know there are 3 sides) However, going with your side and believing this is true here is my advice from a Woman who has been happily married for 20 years.

    1) Yes, they could genuinely be just friends like Brothers & sisters.
    2) He may always had in the back of his mind that maybe someday they could "hook-up"

    However, Because relationships are hard enough as it is - to add someone else into your relationship makes it even more difficult.

    My opinion would be he should be chatting and texting YOU, he should be sharing his personal thoughts and desires with YOU, he should not allow a "friendship" be more important than YOU. YOU should be his best friend. If he wants another best friend he should go hang with the guys for a beer.

    What he is doing is Dating both of you at the same time - You get the sex BUT she gets the emotional and connection side he should be sharing with you. How will the two of you ever build memories when he spends his days in the past with sharing memories with her.


    I am not saying he is a bad guy, I am saying the signs are in front of you and if you get married it will only get worse NOT better. So work it out now or move on without him.

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    1. i know this is 3 years on but it is really nice to see how many other people get stuck with this, the biggest problem is the other girl will always say you are not good enough for him and they will always remiss fun times and history in front of you. things get better if you beat them at their own game, by not playing... he is all yours and ask him to make that visibly clear to other people :)

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  2. I would be choked, especially the pet names, I love yous, and the lying. I would confront him. I hope you have told him this bothers you, I don't know how you are coping with this, but it would drive me insane!

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  3. No offense, but from a guys point of view: You can bet they have an affair going. When he says he loves her....thats enough said. If he does not tell you everything, what else can one assume?

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  4. Trust is the basis for a relationship. Get a guy friend and

    make him see how it feels. I don’t think it is right for couples to

    have best friends as the opposite sex, it just doesn’t feel comfortable.

    A man’s point of view.

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  5. I am in a similar situation. It is really difficult. I have been married for a year to someone who has an EX as a best friend. Really think hard about the situation. You cant make him choose between you, because he will either secretly see her, or resent you forever. It is something that is SUPER hard to live with. The only thing that has saved me is that i am BRUTALLY honest with her. We have chats. We have drunken talks. We even have mini-fights. But it is the only way to handle it. You have to be able to say 'hey, i need him to put me first and i need you to help me do that' and work from there. You have to be able to say 'I know it sounds silly, but when he did *whatever* it really hurt my feelings' and have a chat. I am assuming that you would make all of these things clear to him as well, but if you aren't in dialogue with both of them individually , you will have a huge problem.
    Best of luck.

    (i will be posting my story soon!)

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  6. Thank you so much for posting your story. I have been afraid I was going crazy about my new boyfriend's best friend who is a married woman with children. Despite conversations with both of them about how their behavior, texting, and meetings when her husband is not at home, they have continued to meet on a weekly basis. They also do boxing together, one on one. Devon mum is right in that if an ultimatum is issued, he will just resent me. Sounds like its time to look for a healthier relationship!. Do not marry that man any time soon and start to focus on making your own friendships!!

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  7. I have a similar situation..

    My boyfriend has a female best friend. Yes, they called each other "BB" and tell each other I LOVE YOU BB. I told him before that he should save the ILYs to only his gf, his mom or his sister, no other female friends.

    Long story short, when my bf and I first start dating, she was being very competitive with me and makes small comments to me. He tells me it's her nature to be competitive, but she's trying to compete with me as his gf??!?!?! Also, she would post "I Heart XXX" (my bf's name) on my bf's social website for EVERYONE to see! That's so 8th grade and plain disrespectful! Like I'm invisible as his gf.

    My bf told me to talk to her, but since he knows her way better and it is his friend, I think he should make the initiative to talk to her first instead of me. He also needs to understand things will need to change between them. Since, I'm in his life, he needs to make adjustments on his behalf as well as hers. Just because they are comfortable to each other, doesn't mean it's ok to continue to do the things they've been doing now that I'm in the picture. Things will change inevitably.

    So, I told him there's a fine line for just platonic friendship. What's crossing the line and what's not? His best friend is buying him a ticket to fly him to see her and the original plan, I was in it. Now he told me that she's buying him a ticket to see her, and I got excluded from this trip. They will be spending nights in the same room for almost 1 week! I think that's pretty much crossing the line. What do you think?

    I'm no crazy psycho gf who wants him to cut his friendship with this girl. I just want some respect from the best friend and a line needs to be drawn and she needs to know that I'm here in his life and I'll be staying here for awhile. With him on the other hand, he needs to make me as I'm his number #1 and needs to not only tell me this but also show me with action. I'm think I'm being reasonable and adult about it.

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    1. I am going through something like that. I have a new boyfriend and i knew him before we dated. He is my cousins good friend. Well i didnt know he was close to his female roomate( who is supposedly gay but she is gorgeous) and another female. He goes out with them on the weekends and gets dtunk and spends thr night with them at one of their houses. Je hugs them when he sees them and recently i spent the night(which i never get to do because he is never home on the weekend) and she.kept texting him to go out. Then she calls at 2 in the morning and he sits and talks to her like i wasnt there. And he tells her he had no plans and not once did he say he had company. I keep vacillitating between being angry and feeling like maybe i am not being fair. Bottom line i have this gut feeling that something is not right. Even if nothing is going on at the least its disrespectful. Sometimes i feel like a consolation prize. And i agree, its ok to be that close to somebody if u r single, but when u get into a relationship both parties need to consider the feelings of the new gf. I am ready to just end this. Its not worth it and i dont want him to feel like he has to choose. Id rather be with somebody who i dont have to say "hey thats not ok".

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  8. Thank you for posting this. I'm going through something similar..

    I've been talking to this guy for almost 7 months now. We talk everyday, send each other pictures, Skype, call each other baby and basically act like a couple. The problem is we live 2 hours away from each other and he has a girl best friend that i'm jealous of. He says they are just close friends and she is not his type. But in the back of my mind i think there is more to it. She is always texting him and ever since she saw a picture of me and him on Facebook she started tagging him everywhere she goes with him. It's like she's purposely trying to show off their relationship. It's extremely frustrating! I even had a dream about the two of them being together and i few days later i found out his sister had a dream of her and him being together. I don't know if i should give up on the guy just to spare my heart.

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  9. Great conversation! I've been told that I'm insecure because of my jealous rants over my boyfriends female bff. But when he wakes up at 4am to answer her phone calls ( why she needs to call at that hour is beyond me), tells her she's hot, put love Scott on a card, goes out his way to order her things via internet, talk and text at least 2 times a day, and makes it clear that she will ALWAYS be his best friend, yeah I would be jealous, has nothing to do with my self confidence. A man should never make his girlfriend feel second to a friend, especially a female friend. Girls are naturally territorial when it comes to their man. Needless to say, I broke up with him last night because I would never give him an ultimatum ( which would backfire on me anyway ) and it's just not healthy for me or him to fight about a behavior he's not going to change. It is killing me. All types of thoughts are flowing through my mind, especially, " did I do the right thing ", "am I being unfair ", and so on. But my heart can't handle being second to another female so I'll deal with this temporary pain over that daily agony any day!

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  10. I'm not the only one!! I knew it! Been dating this guy for almost 2 yrs now, long distance (he lives in South America while I live in North America), and we've never met in real life. He's 24, I'm 20, and his female best friend is his age. He says that they've known each other since he was 7, they went to school together, and they've "always seen each other like sister and brother". I've NEVER, NEVER, liked the fact that she is his "best friend". We recently got into an argument about her, 'cause I was looking at a pretty pic of her on FB. He told me that they promised to "check out each other's bf/gf", to make sure they were "ok" for them. That's when I flipped. I told him that NO FEMALE on this earth likes to be "analyzed" by another girl, ESPECIALLY since it's the girls boyfriend's best friend. He burned it in his mind that I was "just plain jealous of her". No other reason in HIS mind. I have nothing personal against her, 'cause I don't know her, and I'm not unfair like that! He said that "she's been there for him SO MANY TIMES" in his life, and vice versa. I get it, but I will never be a best friend to him like she will, and that sucks. He says that's different, but I don't think so. *sigh* I truly don't believe that either one of them are anything more than what he's said, but being so far away, never meeting him, or her, in real life...it's just SO hard to swallow! Also, he told me that he will NEVER give up his friendship with her just because of me. He'd rather NOT be with me, and still have her as a best friend, then the other way around. Which wasn't at all my intention, for him to think like that. He's a fabulous man, but how can I deal with this feeling? Should I give up? Let him be? Any advice?? I desperately need some right now.

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  11. Hey! Argh so tough! My thoughts are yes it's fine for him to be friends with a girl. But he needs to understand that already this is a difficult situation for you to be in and that I love you and endearing names are for you and for you alone.
    As for her...sounds like she is the issue. Argh women can be so brutal to other women. And it sounds like she's hanging around for a reason. It's like he knows she has the upperrhand. You should talk to her with confidence and kindness. Ask her how she would feel on your place. Tell her that there is a certain amount of respect she needs to have for you as a couple. If she is truly his best friend, then she would want him to be happy and not create a problem on your relationship. I think if she is his true best friend telling her That she is the issue in your relationship she would completely back off. And I think really reflect it back towards her. Would she want her boyfriend calling another women "baby" or saying "I love you"? I highly doubt it.
    Be confident that most women would feel this way and you having an issue with this is more than legit.
    But it's all in your approach. Take the emotion out of it. As I mentioned before, Approach the situation with kindness, rationality, and confidence. There are a billion women who would feel this way too.

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  13. I am dealing with this same thing and trying not to let it make me crazy. I was married for 20 yrs and then my husband cheated on me with a girl from his work and the way I found out was through a phone bill because they were texting each other all the time. I have been divorced for 2 years now and met this great guy that I fell madly in love with. We have been dating for 6 months now and live together. Although I don't think he is cheating he too has a female friend that is always texting him and telling him how much she misses hanging out with him and his kids. She is much younger and married with 2 little ones. We have discussed this situation and he knows it is making me start to hate this girl and I hardly know her. My boyfriend even admits that she might have feelings for him but he does not for her. Last night I told him that she needs to find someone else to talk to. Was this right or wrong?

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  14. I've been dating this guy for about 4 months now we have a lot in common and I really like him. He talked about marriage and all that before and he is really a great guy. The only thing that makes me uncomfortable about our relationship is his best friend female friend. He talks to her everyday and they skype a lot. He is always texting her and everytime we have a conversation it always goes back to her!! It's hard for me to deal with honestly. His stories are always about her. It drives me crazy. I confronted him about it and of course he says that "I'm his number one and that he loves me more than anybody else, but honestly his actions don't show it!

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  15. Thank you all for your posts! It's really helpful to hear the other side of the story.

    I'm married but I'm best friends with my work partner. Our job requires us to work together closely and a strong friendship just naturally developed. We text and talk outside work and about personal matters.

    I love my husband and my marriage is great. I was worried about my husband's feelings at first but he said he's never been worried cause he trusts me and he gets how important it is for me to be best friends with my partner. My partner's ex-girlfriend understood to and she was ok with it. (They broke up cause she found out about his affair with another woman - I told him he was being stupid and she would find out but he obviously didn't listen). My partner use to say we were a packaged deal, if a girl didn't get us, then that girl wouldn't have a place in his life.

    Problem is his new girlfriend is really uncomfortable with me. I thought it might be better if she got to know me and saw how platonic our friendship is but she's always distant and I can't get to know her. She's complained a lot about and my partner and I have been almost all business for the last six months out of respect to her. She calls him at work several times a day to check up and gets upset if he doesn't answer. It's become a problem and can be dangerous.

    The distance is creating a strain on the partnership and I know it won't get better because he's talking about rings. I'm thinking about ending the partnership. I love my friend and I will miss the partnership cause it takes a long time to build that kinda trust but I don't see how this can work. I admit I'm hurt and feel betrayed by his actions and choices even though I want him to be happy. Any thoughts?

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  16. I'm having a similar problem. My boyfriends best friend happens to be the girl I've never gotten along with, even since before I met my boyfriend. Me and her hate each other, and when she found out me and my boyfriend had got together she attempted to put him off me by commenting on my looks and personality in a negative way. This obviously made me hate her even more! They always text each other and she calls him things like 'sexy' and talks to him as if he doesn't have a girlfriend...urm hello? I have no intention of becoming even civil with her because she is just a genuinely fake person, I have tried to do this but it never works. I say you either get your fiance to distance himself from his girl best friend or leave him. The situation will only continue to crop up and cause issues in your relationship sweetie. Would you rather another relationship that could potentially be better with no girl best friend or to be stuck in this situation forever? Think hard because you can't be dealing with this situation for too long, it sucks and I'm still dealing with it now.

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  17. Wow.... And my current boyfriend makes it out to be me being jealous and it's all in my head. From all these situations I'm reading, we do have a genuine reason to feel pissed! Thank God, he does at least understand sometimes.

    My relationship is even more fresh, being at just 2 months. I knew he had a girl best friend early on, but then I only found out that they've slept with each other only after 1 month into the relationship. I asked first, "Have you done something with her?" but he went on and told me it straight off, saying "Yes we had sex together but it was bad"... what the fuck?.... That was the worst part, his insensitivity at my feelings! He just said it so casually. It didn't matter what kind of sex they had, it's just the fact that they did do it together. He's told me that I have nothing to worry about but I still can't help but feel bad over the whole situation. We said we'd be honest with each other about everything but talking about this has become an uncomfortable subject. I do want to be with him since everything else is good with us. I just talked to him and that did make me feel better so I don't know where I'm going with this rant anymore, but I did feel intensely depressed earlier today.... Still can't help feeling uncomfortable about this though. He does seem to treat her as only a friend so that's good. We'll see how it goes... I have a reassuring boyfriend so far but still feel uncomfortable about my situation.... There's a reason I've been reading up these posts! I'll update some more later on when I have more rants!!!! But anyhow thank you so much ladies for sharing, it helps a lot knowing that I'm not the only one going through this! I was actually thinking of taking a break in this relationship and possibly break up but it helped to talk to him, so I guess the only advice I can give there now is do the same and communicate. He has to be understanding, and you both have to come up with a solution too though. My boyfriend and I said we'd work on it together.

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  18. Sounds so much like my relationship. As I type this, he is on the phone with this "best chick" friend. He never talks to me like he does to her.....and I've been dating him 2 years. He has deep conversations with her all the time, laughs with her, and when he's been drinking, she's the one he drunk texts/calls to. All I get is a message to come pick him up when he's ready to come home from the bar. If it weren't for his kids or mine, I would in an instant. I don't know why I put up with it.

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  19. i have known my boyfriend for 12 years now, he is a bit older than me and i am 21 this year! he has a girl best friend. he said she phoned him when he was feeling mega depressed and reckond she turned him around ... i think thats great. BUT they always leave me out of the loop and i cant stand her, she is the most selfish and spiteful girl, the things she has said about others i dread to think what she has said she thinks of me to my boyfriend! he always used to talk to her and laugh with her and i could never join in as i wasnt at the things they reminisce. he has said they used to have a romance but things never worked out as they thought it would ruin their friendship, i feel like thats worse than them actually having a relationship as there is always the curiosity.
    i told my other half exactly how i felt and asked him what he would do if i said he had to choose and he said he would do what i wanted because he loves me more than he cares for her, which was all i needed to hear, i told him i wouldnt make him choose ever but i just want him to make it clear to me that i am his, especially in front of her to keep me reassured, hopefully all will remain well! :)

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  20. I am "her". The best female friend to a really dope guy. http://www.yourboyfriendsbestgirlfriend.com/2013/07/five-things-guys-do-with-their.html

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  21. Listen you guys are not crazy.. I am in the same boat.
    My boyfriend of 4 years has a female best friend who is nice to me in front of him and then catty and bitchy in her comments (although always in a jokey way) when he steps away... I know if I complained she would say that I was being too SENSITIVE that she was joking with me. He is her tenant and rents one of the floors in her house. They eat together a lot (hey as she said why just cook for one) she is always texting him and calling him for "advice" because she claims he is so smart and always knows what to do..

    she pretends to helplessly not know anything about fixing up her home and defers to him on all decisions to do with the house because shes just a lil' ol' gal.
    ENOUGH ALREADY!
    I know he is not the cheating type, we are all in our 40's and I feel like I am playing a tit for tat game for his affections.
    He is a great guy and I love him dearly, when I get annoyed he just says shes just trying to be nice and friendly but I know better.

    AAAARRRGGGHHHH!

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  22. I'm ending a five year relationship with the man I thought I would marry. He has a friend who, for the first 4 years of our relationship, he has called a "fair-weather-friend". TWO years into our relationship she finally decided she was willing to meet me. When I asked him why it took so long he said it was probably because she is best friends with his ex-girlfriend (who, btw, freaked out when he started dating me). Now she is single and is has been constantly texting him every single damn day. She even has a pet name for him, Fluffy. Blech!
    A year ago I asked him to be careful about what he said to her as I didn't want any personal information about our relationship or myself being shared via gossip with his ex. He said he understood and would be mindful. ONE week later we had a fight and told her every detail about the fight down to the fact that I was sleeping in the guest room and had gotten drunk after the fight. (I was distraught and alone, so yeah, I got plastered.) I confronted him about it and his only response was that he's always talked to Judy about relationship problems to get her advice. Well she must be great at it as his past relationships were obviously very successful. He also told me that there was an understanding that it would be between just the two of them. Riiiight. I'm sure his ex-girlfriend knows nothing about all of this. I told him that I was absolutely NOT okay with it and it had to stop. A week later I checked his phone and he was still airing our dirty laundry and telling her how miserable he was. I confronted him again and he apologized then password protected his phone (which I pay for!!!) 3 months later I was looking at the phone bill and there were over 400 text messages between the two of them. I told him he had crossed the line and violated every boundary of appropriateness for a person in a relationship and that his relationship with her was completely inappropriate. If he wanted our relationship to continue it would have to stop. Now. He agreed but then blamed me saying that when he gets bored at work he needs someone to talk to and she always responds whereas I don't. Yeah, I have a life and a career too. Plus he's supposed to be um...working. The conversations would go on for hours. I said I would respond more if it was that simple but I also said that their conversations need to stay on a platonic level. Period. And I told him this would be the last time I would let it slide. No surprise, he's still talking to her day and night. I told him he would have been better off giving me the middle finger the first time we talked about it and at least I would have known what a selfish little bitch he is. I also told him that she is no friend of his when she knows their friendship is coming between us and continues to text him day and night. A real friend would have bowed out. Oh, I forgot to mention, in the 5 years we've been together I've only seen her twice. What a friend.
    I told him I was done and I'm not putting up with it anymore. I suggested that when he starts dating someone new he needs to tell her, "I have this friend, Judy, who I talk to all day every day and when we have a disagreement I will tell her every little detail. And I'm going to tell her all about every humiliating thing you've done." I asked how well he thought that would go over. I got no reply.
    He keeps telling me he loves me and acts like nothing is wrong. I'm not sure he really believes I'm done with his shit even though I've told him repeatedly he made his choice and it wasn't me or our relationship. I gave him more than enough chances. All I ever asked him to do was to keep the conversation as platonic. I never asked him to stop being her friend. I also told him that when he comes home from work and all of my shit is gone, he can go tell Judy all about it.
    Dumbass.

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