Thursday, August 12, 2010

My Boyfrineds Best Friend


I think I might soon be up shits creek without a paddle with my boyfriend of 15 years.

For the record...I don't care to catch a load of crap because after all this time, we are still not married. It's by choice on both our parts and we are both perfectly happy cohabitating all these years without being married.

Moving on....

Here's the situation, (I'll try and keep it brief!)

5 years ago my boyfriend fell off the wagon and began drinking again. He's an alcoholic. He's been 100% sober for the last 5 years. I stuck by him because he's a wonderful man, sans his past issue with alcohol.

He had this best friend back then. They were as close as brothers and even worked together for the same boss. We used to hang out and bar-b-que together on weekends and we all became very close friends.

You with me so far?

Anyway, when my boyfriend fell off the wagon, he was impossible to live with. Our relationship took a bad turn due to his drinking. It got so bad, I tossed him out into the curb. I literally had no choice as I was not about to be his co-dependent gf or enable him to continue drinking. During that time 5 years ago, I was understandably distraught. His best friend tried to help him but even he too, had to chuck the friendship. My bf eventually got himself into rehab, and that's how he got sober.

My bf and I were broken up at that time because of his drinking.

One night not long after, his best friend came to see me. It started out so innocent. He brought me a bottle of wine. (neither him or I, were alcoholics)
After sever glasses and both of us getting drunk on my couch....we slept together. BOTH of us realized that this was a very, very bad mistake afterwards...shook hands as friends and parted ways.

My bf eventually sobered up, and it wasn't until he got fully sober that I allowed him to come back to our place and get back together.
My bf's friend decided when my bf fell off the wagon, they were done as friends. forward five years later and for the first time in 5 years...this old friend of his called him and got re-hired to work with my bf again!

My worry is that my bf's friend will tell my bf that we fucked.

I'd also like to add one more thing...other than the one indiscretion 5 years ago, I have been faithful to my man of 15 years.

Do I have reason to worry? Should I talk to this said friend of his and ask him to keep quiet? I love my bf and am proud of his sobriety, If my bf finds out, he'll leave me, and I KNOW this.
What should I do if anything?


  1. Girl, you royally screwed up, this is the ultimate nono, no matter if you are broken up, separated, or never going to see eachother again. You are both in the wrong, you as his ex/gf and him as the guys best friend. Secrets always come out, and so I think it is wise to be honest with him from this point forward, if you break up then that is what is deserved.

  2. MY suggestion comes from the "Big Book" of AA.

    Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to all. You know your boyfriend is on that list.

    Step 9 - Made direct amends to those people except whenever it might injure them or others. When telling your b/f wouldn't you be hurting him? Wouldn't telling your b/f also hurt his relationship with his friend?

    If the friend does tell your b/f you will need to deal with it then. But as far as now is concerned telling your b/f might destroy your relationship with him. This is what I know - almost all who relapsed for any extended time they have usually cheated on their partner. You might be surprised how many in AA cheat on their s/o then "go out" behind it.

  3. I was in a situation almost like u were.. The only similarity was that mine took a few years to admit he was an alcoholic... I've learned that once one always one.. He even said "once an addict always an addict"... I would never, ever get involved w/ someone w/an addiction.. It reeks havoc on your kids as well as yourself... I would not be surprised if his bf tells him... Do yourself a favor, u deserve better than that... Move on... Heal yourself...
    A friend of mine who drank, says its an ongoing battle, sure, one can get sober, the trick is to STAY SOBER and not fall off the wagon.. If they do, they are no longer an EX alcoholic...

  4. i agree with queen in a sense you never go with a mates ex or an ex's mate!!
    you should be honest otherwise it could cause problems in the future if he finds out, at least you weren't together technically though!
    i think it sounds like you've been through a lot together so i think you'll get through this.
    honesty is the best policy!

  5. coming clean with the truth is like removing a band-aid. Better to rip it off fast no matter how bad it hurts and air out the wound, than to peel it off slowly and risk infection. -J

  6. I think you recognize this was a monumental mistake. It's practically a written rule that you don't hook-up with your bf's best friend. That aside, I'm in the "honesty is the best policy group."

    Every single day, you will wonder and worry that his best friends will tell him first. You've probably even played the "how it might happen" scene over and over again in your mind.

    Is the stress worth it? I know you are worried about hurting him, but his alcoholism hurt you. It sounds like there has been an awful lot of hurt all the way around. By continuing to keep this secret, doesn't it just perpetuate the hurt?

    Ultimately, it is up to you...go with your instincts--they'll guide you.

  7. It is a no no and you know it, but that is in the past and you cannot change it. Yes you were not together at the time but you still don't sleep with your b/f's friend! You need to talk to the friend and tell him to keep his lips shut...what your b/f doesn't know won't hurt him. Just pray he doesn't find out and if he does you'll have a lot of explaining to do but if he is the guy for you then he will understand. Good luck!

  8. If you and your bf were split up at the time you slept with his best friend, then there's nothing wrong with it because if you weren't together, how were you being unfaithful to him?

    If he finds out then explain this to him.

    Of course, it would help to add that it was a mistake and you consider your bf's friend as a friend of yours too - and nothing more.

    Good luck!

  9. Wow, some really great advice and options. Thanks everyone for making my site so welcoming and you are all such an understanding bunch, you are bringing me to tears of joy.

  10. Wow - I'm going to go against the crowd here, it seems.

    You should really consider just breaking it off with this guy. The reason why you haven't gotten married sounds a bit like BS, he sounds sleazy to boot, and his "friend" sounds like a horrible person as well.

    Frankly, I'd question why you're letting dudes like this into your life. You can't find better than the guy who was a drunk for 10 years of your relationship and who still has a friend that made a move on you immediately after he fell off the wagon? This whole situation sounds chaotic and nutty.


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