Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Should I Do It All Over Again?

Hello Queen, I am a 29 year old female with two children ages 6 and 4, I am no longer with the father due to both of use making some grave mistakes, his was being to controlling and mines was being unfaithful. We were together for approx 7 years. I believed that he had been cheating on me which I had no proof of, but due to this I was easily coerced into having affairs with other men, needless to say this caused him to become somewhat violent at times, and to lose alot of respect for me. Although we we have had all these issues it seems as though we still love each other.

Now we have the chance to make amends, we have both gone through alot in our lives, he was raised by his grandmother because his mother died when he was young, and I too was raised by grandparents due to my mother and father not being able to take care of me. He seems to think that the lack of my father being in my life in a real capacity has made me seek out male attention, and that his mother dying when he was young has left him with anxiety about women leaving him. I can see the change in him, and no longer is he the angry person (has had some therapy)he used to be.

For approx. 6 days now we have been thrust together by fate, and I must say that it's been great, and the kids are so happy, but I still have this desire to be with other guys, not sure why just like the fact that I can just have "friends". He took this separation as a reason to get married, I took the chance to get out and meet some men. Well , now he is back and telling me that after all that I did to him, all the men over the past two years, that he does not care and he want to have us become a family again. Do I think he loves me? Sure without any doubt, but I'm having fun. Do I love him? I think so, just worried that I or he will have the same issues.

He has always been there for me, even after I left him for another man who by the way used me and left me for dead, it was him that was there to pick up the pieces, and when I did it again, he was right there. He loves to take care of me, will do anything for me, just don't know why. His argument is that the boys are the most important thing in the world and that is what I should concentrate on, but my family and new friends think that I should just keep doing what I am doing, that I don't need to think about having a relationship for the sake of the kids.

Do I love him- yes, I am sure of this, does he love me- unquestionably. I just can't get past what we went through. I am now finding it easy to find men, he thinks that they are just using me for sex, he says this because they only come round late at night, and a few times a week. Have to admit, none have really been interested in a commitment, but I like getting the attention. Is there anyone out there that can give my an opinion, I am really confused.


  1. Since he doesn't seem to mind that you are a slut, you should go for it.

  2. hmmmm my first derogatory comment, readers what do you think should I delete it-or is this ass entitled to their very rude opinion-not much help for my ranter???? of course they are 'anonymous'=scared to put their real name

  3. the fact its anonymous says it all... Queen its your page- so its your call.

  4. I'd delete it, has no value whatsoever. Name calling doesn't ever accomplish anything other than reflecting more badly on 'anon' than on the person asking advice.

  5. I think you need to be certain that YOU have changed, too, and I'm not entirely sure you are. You say he has worked on his violent tendencies, which is great. But do you think you can resist the urge to be with other men? Or, if you can, will you instead feel miserable and resentful for the rest of your life, like he has taken away opportunities from you? It seems that he has done the work he needs to do to make himself worthy of you, but have you put in the same effort?

    I agree with your family that you can't get together *just* for the kids, no matter how badly you want to provide the stable life for them that you and your man didn't have growing up. You may have every logical thought telling you your best option is to get back with him, but only you know if you can be happy with that decision.

  6. Oh, and I am never in favor of deleting comments, no matter how offensive. Usually when someone says something stupid the other commenters shut them down anyway. But trolls WANT you to delete their comments so they can whine the rest of us "can't handle the truth" and that we're censoring them.

  7. BF- good point on the whining/censoring.

    Confused Girl- there is something to be said for having a good relationship with the father of the kids. There's also something to be said for setting a good example for them.

  8. If u can't get past what he has done, then isn't that a red flag??? and if he's pointing the finger at you for these other guys.. is that what u want to hear???Love? I don't think so...sorry- this may sound harsh, more like co-dependency....
    If a man talked to me like that I'd be out the door.

  9. What concerns me straight away is this: "...needless to say this caused him to become somewhat violent at times, and to lose alot of respect for me."

    Although he was hurt by the affairs--and justifiably so--violence is never acceptable...ever. If he was violent once, he could be violent again. That is not something to be taken lightly. It's wonderful he has gotten help, but is it enough for you? Are you sure he won't fall into old ways once he has you back? Will he "punish" you once he has you back? Perhaps they are impossible questions to answer, but, in a way, maybe that is the answer. The uncertainty of what is ahead with him could be what is keeping you from wanting to travel down that road again.

    You mentioned he was controlling. I think you are feeling free from his control, and, as such, you are engaging in these flings, not necessarily because you WANT or DESIRE to, but because you feel you CAN.

    Now is the time to really dig deep and listen to your instinct--it will guide you.

  10. Leave the derogatory comment. It's character building, not to mention, it's a perfect example of how judgemental humans are. Shake it off doll!
    As for what you should do...hmmmm...I think only you know what to do. He is the father of your children. There is a history between the two of you.
    But if you feel you aren't ready to settle down yet, you need to really analyze your options.
    Looking forward to hearing more.

  11. Finding myself in a similar situation. But no violence and we've only been seperated a short time. We're seeing someone together and seperately, who is helping us with our issues. But at the end of the day, the feelings are there. They have never faded no matter what shitty stuff we've done to eachother. Trust is the biggest issue, but that will come with time and hard work.

    You need to decide if your feelings are worth the hard work. That's it. Yes or no.


Let it out...

Related Posts with Thumbnails