I'm a twenty something woman. I got knocked up by a friend with benefits and we have tried the relationship thing and for the most part do a good job.
Recently he gave me a letter telling me he is only "somewhat attracted to me now" since having the baby, and that our main issue is my new weight. I know my body has changed... I gave birth less than a year ago. I got an elliptical trainer and when I work out he sits and eats pizza and entire boxes of Pudding in front of me, and refuses to get healthy together. He isn't exactly a ball full of fitness himself, and I'm not sure exactly where he gets off saying these things to me, but I want to at least understand it.
I've included the part of the letter that bothers me the most for you to read and a before and after shot. I'm not a LOT heavier... but we also got pregnant at the peak of my fitness when I was getting accepted into a career that required me to be very physically fit.
I'm feeling very discouraged, but I can handle the truth. What is your take on it?... please be blunt. I need to understand why this is happening. In terms of how much weight I have gained, its a solid 20 lbs.
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the letter
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"A big issue between us is your weight and I understand its hard with just having a baby and a husband who doesn't help all the time. I am still somewhat sexually attracted to you but it has diminished with your weight. This is a big issue because I do want to have that awesome looking wife that is the total package and I totally think that could be you. I want you to be that wife that everyone looks at and says "he's lucky" and I know I have some of it right now with your personality and all you need is fine tuning"
Um, do you really want to be married to a shallow idiot that thinks "having a wife that everyone looks at" is the end-all be-all?
ReplyDeleteYou need to be happy with you. And with him. And you can't let him determine how you feel about yourself.
Kudos to you for trying to maintain the relationship, but self-confidence is the sexiest thing there is, and it sounds like he's eroding it.
dick move by the husband...you just had a baby! come on!
ReplyDeleteUm. He's an ass... move on. Move on now, so he doesn't pass the shallowness gene on to his child. 'Nough said. -J
ReplyDelete"fine tuning!" You birthed HIS child...he should be kissing your feet and bowing down to you. That extra weight you are carrying fed and housed and nurished HIS child. What an ungrateful ass! I know that attraction plays a big role in a relationship but him making you feel bad for not getting back to your pre-baby weight is so wrong it's not even funny!!
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you to leave him or stay...but he should read some of these responses. His behaviour is down right hideous!
DEFINITELY insensitive on his part BUT he should get points for being honest...most guys wouldn't even give that and just mess around and lamely say your weight gain is why.
ReplyDeletei think you'll lose it just fine in time but perhaps doing it outside the home where he won't be munching on calorific pizza would be justified <3
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Whoa this guy is a jerk... If all he cares about is how u look, I would definitely reassess what u have w/him. Maybe write a letter to him telling him how and what u expect out of him now that u share a child...
ReplyDeleteThis dude sounds vile, and unlike Leia's take, I don't think he deserves points for being honest. Normally when people say they're honest, it's secretly code for, "Please excuse my horrible behavior, for you see, I am Honest."
ReplyDeleteHowever, as vile as this guy is, you did make a baby with him. Is / was he decent beyond the weight thing? I'm guessing that one of you wasn't really into the other from the start though, since you were Friends With Benefits as opposed to being in a relationship.
Anyway, if you do decide to go it alone, make SURE you initiate a court proceeding and prove that he is the father. Even if things are OK now financially, just making him contribute to the baby's financial welfare probably increases the chances that he'll be in the kid's life and more of a decent human being.
It's kind of hard to read this.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, when I love someone, or when I'm great friends with someone, they become more beautiful the more time I spend with them. I wouldn't care if they put on weight, because I'm pretty sure half the reason I'm finding them so attractive is because I love what amazing people they are. And your man should think this of you too, with the fact that you've had a baby together even more of a reason towards it (come on, if you get that pregnant 'glow' then you must surely get a yummy-mummy kick afterwards). So on this side of the coin, it could be forewarning that you aren't right for each other, that he doesn't really appreciate you, that you want different things in a partner and maybe he really IS as shallow, vain and totally pig-headed as these readers are making out.
But what interests me about all this is his wording - that he wants other people to see you as being amazing - meaning that that's how he sees you deep down. That maybe he thinks you've lost some of your confidence if you've been conscious of your weight gain and actively trying to lose it, and that this "fine-tuning" he mentions is simply him wanting the old you back, pre-baby and pre-'worrying about your figure'.
We all know men aren't the best at communication and aren't always conscious of how they word things, so all you can really do is try to talk to him and find out the motivation behind his letter.
good luck x
I know I'm behind on responding to this, so I hope you read it.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about this post on and off for days, and I'm still mad.
How DARE he tell you you need to lose weight for his personal validation and sexual pleasure, when he won't even participate in your efforts to do so?
How DARE he make it more about how other people see you--and ultimately him--than how you two see each other?
How DARE he reduce your appeal to your size?
How DARE he hold you to a different standard than he holds himself?
I realize I'm being a lot less forgiving than others. I also realize that this is only a part of a letter, which only is part of his musings on this subject, which is only a small part of your relationship. But this is all I need, really. I absolutely REFUSE to make excuses for this man. The things he said were rude, condescending, and shallow, and while I can't tell you what to do about it because it's your life, I would not stay with him. I've put up with a lot of crap but I would never accept this.