Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I Am A Virgin

Queen,

I'm a 25 year old female virgin. Completely by choice, I've had plenty of opportunities and a few boyfriends who have wanted to take it there. I've come close, but am definitely still a virgin. I've recently been told by some friends of mine that essentially "I'm too old to be a virgin" and "missed that boat" and that they didn't want to see me end up alone and have "my best interest in mind".

Needless to say, the people who are telling me I'm "behind" are not virgins, and mostly all of them have been male (if that makes any difference, I don’t know). Also, I'm not waiting for any real religious reason. I simply have followed my own moral code and am slow with sexuality stuff. It makes me pretty anxious in general. And I'm worried now because my "friends" are telling me now that I'll never find a guy who will be patient enough to put up with waiting so long.

So my question is: does anybody know ANY guys out there who would be cool or even prefer dating virgins at 25 or older (who are not necessarily Christian or religious)? I've never met a guy, or maybe it's just the people I know telling me this too...

I have people telling me to "just do it", "get it over with" But I honestly never had a problem with my virginity until people started making a big deal about it.

And now, I just feel really "not normal" or like a "freak" because I have not had sex yet. I just never saw why it's such a big deal to almost everybody, except me it seems.

I have a boyfriend now, and every time I start to get close to somebody, I get scared, and my relationships can't seem go farther than like 2 months because either I am unconsciously "sabotaging" my relationship or because I'm scared to take it to that 4th base so to speak or my boyfriend will leave me because he is sick of waiting.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I over thinking the whole thing?  Is everyone else right? How do I know if my boyfriend is the right one?

10 comments:

  1. First of all there is nothing wrong w/u wanting to stay a virgin... U will know when the time is right.. Ask the ones who aren't and see how many have unwanted pregnancies, STD's, etc... then ask them if they are happy that they aren't virgins...Sex is right w/the right person and to just randomly have sex to 'just get it over with' is stupid... The people who have told u to just get it over with have not a clue ...Seems as tho u are talking to immature people out there... A change up in friends is way over due.

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  2. Frisky V-I think you could give some superb advice to this gal.... but my opinion is that you should not rush for everyone elses sake, but you also should not be scared, if you are scared-you are not ready. You will know when it is the time, it will simply feel right.

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  3. I am probably going to have the unpopular opinion here. I think most guys would be super excited to find a virgin, since it is like the ultimate conquest. It's totally OK to be a virgin...just not a tease.

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  4. I agree with Donda. And yes, if you wear your virginity like a badge on your sleeve, then it will sabotage every realtionship your in. If you date just to date, and enjoy every man you're with, the right man won't care that you're a virgin. The right one won't make it an issue. -J

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  5. "I have a boyfriend now, and every time I start to get close to somebody, I get scared."

    I think this happens to a lot of people, virgins or not.

    I agree with everyone else that there's absolutely nothing wrong with waiting, no matter what your friends say.

    I waited until I was 20, my sophomore year in college, which was longer than most of my peers. I ended up losing it to a friend, but I think that decision was right for me, and I haven't regretted it. I am glad that I didn't just give it up to some guy in high school or my freshman year just to "get it over with," and I'm confident you'll feel the same.

    I also agree that the right person will not mind you're a virgin, and will respect that you have made that decision - not to mention feel very honored that he was the one to whom you chose to give it. My boyfriend often says he wishes he had waited for me, and I wish for his sake that he would have waited.

    I realize that these answers might be frustrating because "the right person" has not yet materialized. Don't feel pressure to find a soul mate, but trust your intuition and know that when that someone comes along, you'll just know it.

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  6. You're fine. Do what feels right. I waited a long time, too (a bit longer than even you!) and it was the best thing ever. You'll know when to do it, and the best thing is, you won't feel like you lost your virginity, but instead, like you gave it to someone. On purpose. Most people can't say that. Welcome to the club.

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  7. I suggest you visit "The Frisky Virgin" at:
    http://thefriskyvirgin.blogspot.com/
    I don't think that there is anything wrong with being a virgin. You are waiting until you feel that special connection with somebody before taking that step. If you want to wait for love and the right person then you should do so.

    Don't let being a virgin be an excuse for holding people at arms length. Whether you have sex with somebody or not, you should allow yourself to love and be vulnerable. I know people who have used their virginity as a shield against being in a serious relationship and risk getting hurt...they used it to scare guys off...make them break up with her before she could get hurt. This is not a healthy trend.

    With the right person and when you are ready it will happen. I think that being a virgin at 25 might give men pause when entering a relationship. Men are physical sexual beings and waiting too long won't fly with them most likely...but if he's the right guy for you he won't mind the wait.

    Don't let them get in your head. You have to do what is right for you and what is right for you may not be the popular thing to do. Wait as long as you have to to feel comfortable taking that next step.

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  8. I am probably going to have the unpopular opinion here. I think most guys would be super excited to find a virgin, since it is like the ultimate conquest.

    Meh. Here's the thing - A shitty guy will be quite excited about being with a virgin, because he is shitty and sleazy. A normal guy (I'd consider myself this) wouldn't find it to be a particular turn-on or turn-off. The few friends I've had that obsessed over being with a virgin, or really, really wanted to be with them, were manwhores or freaks.

    To me, 25 isn't an odd age to still be a virgin at. For some people, they don't really hit a good "attractive" peak until their early 20s, and even then, you have things like college and starting in your career getting in the way of your love life.

    I'm 26, and I'd hesitate more if the woman was still a virgin at, say, 30. That suggests to me that finding a relationship (and thus sex) might not have been a priority in her life. While it wouldn't stop me from dating someone I had good chemistry with, I would be bracing for some of the more awkward relationship things I would normally associate with a younger girlfriend.

    However, from her question, I find this much more worrisome:

    I have a boyfriend now, and every time I start to get close to somebody, I get scared, and my relationships can't seem go farther than like 2 months because either I am unconsciously "sabotaging" my relationship or because I'm scared to take it to that 4th base so to speak or my boyfriend will leave me because he is sick of waiting.

    If you're getting those feelings at 25, and they've persisted through a variety of guys, it suggests to me that some counseling could be in order. You shouldn't be getting scared as you get closer to someone; the opposite should be occurring.

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  9. I don't know why people make a big deal out of being a virgin, or about losing virginity. To me what counts is being with someone you love, whether you "lose" anything to them or not.

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  10. First and foremost, do what is right for you. I'm 32 and a virgin by choice. I'm waiting for love, nothing more, nothing less. I haven't found it. I've been through all of the feelings you are feeling now. There is nothing wrong with you and you are NOT sabotaging your relationships--that is the self-doubt creeping in, thanks to friends telling you to "get it over with," which is probably how many of them lost their virginity in the first place.

    Many of my friends have told me they secretly wish they had waited. It never ceases to amaze me when I hear them say such things. Any friend telling you to "get it over with" does NOT have your best interest at heart--true friends value and respect you for your decisions and would want you to have the meaningful first time experience you deserve.

    Will some men be a little put off? Sure. But you have to realize that they probably aren't the right kind of man for you in the first place.

    Are there men that will wait? Yes. 1. Though he was not a virgin, a dear friend of mine waited for his now wife until their wedding night (he said they wanted it to be special)--they are still married with two beautiful babies; 2. Despite how things turned out, the basic fact is still true: Nick Lachey waited 5 years for Jessica Simpson...again, on their wedding night; 3. Marko Jaric (basketball player) waited for Adriana Lima (model), who, as a devout Catholic, said sex is for after marriage...and she held true to her beliefs; 4. Julia Child was a virgin well into her 30s until she met her soul mate.

    It can happen--sometimes it takes people longer to find their soul mate, but it does happen.

    You shouldn't have to feel less of a woman, less of a person, strange, or anything of the sort. In fact, go on--dare to march to the beat of your own drum. Dare to be who YOU are, not who someone else thinks you should be. This is YOUR life, not theirs. Dare to be different...dare to wait for love. Dare to look into the faces of your friends and say, "I'm proud to be who I am. I'm waiting for love." Dare to be YOU. Have faith in yourself; trust your heart...it will never lead you astray.

    If you get a chance, come visit me here--you might just relate to some of my posts: http://thefriskyvirgin.blogspot.com/

    Steve said: "I'm 26, and I'd hesitate more if the woman was still a virgin at, say, 30. That suggests to me that finding a relationship (and thus sex) might not have been a priority in her life. While it wouldn't stop me from dating someone I had good chemistry with, I would be bracing for some of the more awkward relationship things I would normally associate with a younger girlfriend."

    I'm truly sorry you feel that way, but, then again, I'm not surprised. This is the exact type of mentality that I'm trying so hard to counter. What you feel/think is simply not true, at least not of all older virgins. Of course I thought things would happen for me before now, but they didn't. What can I do? I can't control the universe. Along with pursuing a challenging career, relationships were always a priority with me...unfortunately, I never met the right one. Again, what can I do? Give it up to a guy that howls at the moon simply because I'm about to hit a certain age? Bah.

    As far as bracing for "awkward relationship things," well, that's not giving someone like me very much credit, is it? Please don't mistake me, I don't blame you for your thoughts--they are quite common...I just hope to be able to abolish such judgments/stereotypes someday.

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