Follow Up to "Why Am I Here?"

Well my wonderfuls, as promised here is the very first follow up to a rant that I got back in June called Why Am I Here.... thanks to all of your wonderful advice here is how her life has changed....

Queen, 
First let me say thank you, for giving me the opportunity to anonymously tell you my problems, with little judgement.  Thank you to your commenter's, as they changed the way I thought, and got me out of what could have been a downwards spiral.

You will be happy to know that since June, my life has been a 360 degree turn around.  I met the best man in the world, and we are engaged.  He has connected me with family, friends and we have a dog. 

I could not be happier, and laugh when I think back to how unhappy I was.  I gave up looking for love and then it stumbled upon me when I least expected it-in other words you were right.

Life is what we make of it, and in the end we can only judge our own happiness and change our lives, but part of me feels like I have your blog to thank.  I know I am happy, and that you all helped me, so I am forever thankful for this.

It does not matter how many people we have around us, what mattes is the quality of those relationships.  I know this now, and even though I may revisit those times every once and awhile, they have made me stronger, and gave me a yearning to grow up.

Thank-you again, and take care.

Help Save My Boring Relationship

Queen and Followers,
My boyfriend and I are about to celebrate our 2 yr anniversary, when last night he tells me that he's not happy. That maybe we need our space, so we can give ourselves room to grow. He said that he feels like he isn't able to grow and expand and express himself freely. He was talking about having no motivation and wondering why he's even living right now. He said he should have motivation to make a better life for us, but "Look at us, our home life, it's boring. This isn't what I want." It felt like one dagger to the heart over and over and over again as he revealed what had been going on inside of him. This isn't the first time that he has mentioned us getting separate apartments and that there's no excitement and we're not living life to the fullest. BUT in my defense he doesn't even like to leave the house. I try to find things for us to do & sometimes he's up for it and sometimes not. I try to make life entertaining, but anymore he just wants to stay home. It seems to happen when a series of events occurs.....too much stress at work (which has been pretty constant lately), listening to too much Alex Jones (this guy makes me want to end my life) & not a lot of sex going on in the bedroom. As the saying goes....when the sex is great, it is only 10% of the relationship, but when it's not great, it is 90% of the relationship. I have a low libido and I've tried things to rev it up, but I'm not having much luck. I've even gone off my birth control pills to try to bring it back. I had a tubal so no fear of pregnancy, thank God considering where I'm sitting this morning.

I don't know what to do at this point. I feel so confused. He tells me that he believes I'm the one and that we're going to be together, then he tells me he needs his space and we don't have enough in common, then I'm the one, then he needs his space. This morning when I brought this up he says "Well don't you want me to say nice things? And if I'm not consistent, don't you think that means you better have a Plan B if things aren't going to work?"

Mon - Fri we have approximately 4 hrs together (give or take) I come home, do dishes, get dinner ready, we eat, we try to relax, we shower & we go to bed. Yes, this is boring, but what are we supposed to do EXCITING in this short span of time. He says we're not making the most of it. What could we be doing differently? He says we don't talk, but he always has Alex Jones on and I know that's how he relaxes, so why would I try to take this away from him or interrupt it?? He says we don't have the same interests, but lately his interest have been Alex Jones (again this guy scares me out of my mind) and his work (our jobs are completely unrelated).

Our lease is up in May so it sounds like he's willing to give us this time to figure things out. I want us to stay together. I just don't know what to do right now. A huge part of me wants to believe that it's just his job really stressing him out. I mean this job is literally sucking the life out of him. It's all he thinks about and all he does. Of course, come the weekend he doesn't want to do anything...he's drained, but I think he fails to see that then it turns around on me, that we're not exciting.

Happy Couples.........Please......how do you make life exciting??? Help me save my relationship!!!

I Have Never Heard My Mom Cry

I have never heard my mom cry until a couple of days ago.  My mom and I are not super close, she lives on the other side of the country and as I get older we seem to talk less and less.  For the last month or so I have been talking to her almost every week.  She is thinking about coming back to BC and she has had me doing some investigating of jobs in her field.

You see my mom and I have some history.  She was an alcoholic until ten years ago, so me and my brothers grew up with her, then with foster parents and then with my dad.  She has done some horrible things to us as kids and I do not care to discuss these things, but after ten years of sobriety she has never once apologized or acknowledged her mistakes, until two days ago.

I know she wants what is best for me, I mean I know that now.  It started off as just a little rant to her that I am getting really annoyed at my man and the way he talks to me.  You know just peeves that I have even told all of you.  Well she blew up.  She said it is unacceptable and controlling of him to do and say these things, and that I am a grown woman and I do not need to be told how to pack the dishwasher.  I could not imagine if I had told her more...

After her own rant-I could hear her crying, not like a whaling cry or anything-just a whimper- the kind when you do not want to cry but you just cannot stop it from happening.  I did it too- cause you can't cry at work right?

She said she blames herself for why I cannot be more assertive in my relationship.  She says it is her fault for me not standing up for myself to him.  I told her I am assertive in most other areas of my life, just not so much when it comes to my relationship- and I mean that is not entirely true.  I have the balls to say when I disagree, I just do not get the results I want.  Maybe I am stupid for trying-I should not be trying to change a man, but I am not asking for a life altering change-just some respect, appreciation, and to be spoken to like an adult with dignity and love. Not like a five year old that did not rinse her dish before putting it in the dishwasher.  Not to be told everytime you do something wrong-that it is wrong-and there is a better way to do it-his way.

My mom told me that after five years of being with my man-I have nothing to show for it, and she was right.  I do not have kids, I am not married, I do not have a house or even a nice car.  I have nothing. 

Ever since that talk with my mom I feel like a failure.  Part of me thinks she is right, and part of me thinks she is wrong.  She said that if I still have nothing that I want by the time I am 28 I need to leave.  That I should set timelines and goals, and tell him these things.  To be assertive, and not take his crap. 

You see this is why I do not talk to my friends and family about this stuff-because I get judged and told that I am wrong-just like what my man does.  Why does everyone keep telling me I am wrong -am I wrong? 

Some days I could care less about what I want, but when me and the man are in a rut like this-it weighs on me heavily.  Hearing my mom cry made me think I am wrong-that this must be a bigger issue than I even thought it was- if she is going to blame herself for all my wrongness.  Who is wrong-is anyone wrong?  I cannot very well give the man an ultimatum like if you do not give me kids I am gone, that is a nasty situation, but I think I am reasonable enough to be able to demand respect and if I do not get it do I leave?

I know my mom wants what is best for me, but she also cannot protect me from all of life's little dilemmas.  She cannot get me respect from him, and she is not really here to know if I am happy or not.  I mean all you tell people is the bad, not when everything is going great, then you talk about how your work is going badly.  As humans we are more likely to talk about the bad then the good, so I do not want her or you all to think my life is filled with disrespect and grief-I just tend to share that stuff more often then when I got a back rub or told how beautiful I am-which is less often then when I get told that I am wrong... I am going crazy folks, your help is greatly appreciated.

60/40 Rule: A Ratio In Relationships

Well thank you everyone for contributing to my friend rant yesterday, some really great advice, as always, and a perspective that I think I will follow.  I should not rub it in that I was right and she was not.  She already knows that, even if she has not explicitly told me.  A came over last night, and I must say, it felt really good to have a friend to talk to, and not worry about judgements as she has no right to judge me after this escapade.

In my own little way I think I have made it clear to her that even though I may not understand or even agree with the decisions she has made, I am here for her no matter what, because that is what friends are for.  A was in need of a drowning of her sorrows so I bought some Malibu (her favorite) and we sat and talked for four hours straight.  We talked about love, life and everything in between.  We talked like we never could as kids, because we did not know who we were yet, and reality just did not seem to matter back then.

I told her that a wise woman once told me about the 60/40 rule, and it is what I live by now.  Just as many of you said yesterday-marriages/relationships are hard work!  Anyone who thinks they are bliss all the time has never been in a real relationship!  The 60/40 rule means that if your relationship is good 60% of the time, and bad 40% of the time, it is still worth fighting for.  When it gets closer to 50/50 you are in trouble.  In my relationship-at the worst of time, and yes our love has been tried and tested a number of times-we are 60/40, however, most days I would say we average about a 70/30.  I am in love, and I know this.  No one in their right mind could convince me otherwise.

Sometimes I feel like tossing in the towel, but most of the time I cannot picture my life with out him.  Not because its easier to stay, but because it would be so hard to leave the man that I picture spending the rest of my life with... even after almost 6 years of being together. You see I think relationships need to be tested-you need to go through something horrible to see if you can both survive, and still love that person after it is all over.  I don't think A ever had that.  Like I said, she had it all, and if drinking was that horrible thing I speak of, then that was their test, and they failed.  If you think about it, that is precisely what wedding vows say,

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

These words should not be taken lightly-and they were never meant to be changed or underestimated.  These words do not translate to, if that SOB gets drunk tonight its over...  where did we lose the meaning, who are we to think we have any right to decide what these words even mean and when vows can be broken, why is marriage not what it used to be? 

I think the thing that A said that stood out to me the most last night was this,


"Whats the point in being in a relationship if half the time you feel more like their mother then their wife, and the other half of the time they are drunk or yelling"

Despite the fact that I have felt like this before, clearly, A and J did not have a 60/40 relationship ratio.

A Positive Rant

Since ranting can sometimes get judged as a negative thing to do, I must liven things up a bit with a little taste of positive ranting... you see I let people rant on my blog to give them a sense of freedom.  We have no judges, we are not friends who will tell you to leave or that dreadful ' I told you so'.  No -ranting is just a way of venting, without hurting anyones feelings.  Sometimes we just need to get things off of our chest, or hear other people problems to know that our own are not all that bad.  However, in a world of ranting, I must show you all that I am not this wicked ol witch of relationships.  I am just like you, and enjoy positivity and humor, I hope this makes you smile...
(click here for a bit of positivity..._

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Why Am I Here?

Queen,
I've come to a point in my life where I don't know what to do and where to go anymore.  I'm 30 years old and I have nothing to show for it. My friends can be counted with one hand.  My family are living hundreds and thousands of miles away from me.  Everyday, I do the same thing over and over again. I wake up, I go to gym, I go to work, I come home, I watch TV, I go to bed.  On the weekend, it's even worse. I wake up, I go to gym, I come home, and I do nothing... My mind is driving me insane.

Tell me, what is the purpose of life? Why are we here? And please don't give me any of your religious bullshit. Been there, done that, didn't help.  People are so fake. They smile in front of you. But, as soon as you turn your back to them, they're ready to stab you.

Why am I here? What's my purpose?  I'm too lonely.... just too lonely...

Sad To Be Single

Queen,

You know I never thought I would say this but I miss being in a committed relationship.  Now when I am dating guys they only want one thing, and then they want me gone.  I dreamed of the day I would be single and do not wish to have my ex back, just someone that wants a commitment, which I cannot find.  The ones that say they want one do not sound sincere, and the ones that say they don't well, who wants them anyway!  I get scared thinking that I will be alone forever but I do not want to settle for some loser.  WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD MEN GONE?

Nothing but Negativity

Queen,

My man is in a slump right now in his life, and I guess he is not where he thought he would be in his life right now.  He is always saying, I hate my life, and I hate hearing him say that.  I immediately think it is me that has caused him to think like this, even though I am probably the best thing in his life right now!  His negativity is wearing onto me, and it puts me in a bad mood.  There are plenty of people on this world that have it way worse then him, why cant he see the good aspects of his life, and if it is all that bad then change it.  It sure as hell is not going to get any better if you keep saying how much you hate it!