Follow Up: My Boyfriends Best Friend

So if you remember I got a rant from a gal, as she fooled around with her mans best friend while they were broken up... he had a drinking problem.... well if you cannot remember click on the link and read it again...

Here is how she is doing now...

Queen,

Thank you and your followers for all of your advice.  I went with the honesty is the best policy option, and I am sad to say that we ended our relationship roughly a month after I told him.  However, the reason why I wanted to email you and let you know what happened is that it turns out everything worked out fine.  Stevie's advice was spot on-I was in a bad situation, and neither of those guys were what I really wanted.  Now I have found someone that I could truly be happy with, and we are doing great-no drinking and we do not fight.

I was scared to lose my ex since we had been together for so long, but really that was the best thing for me-perhaps that is why I chose to sleep with his friend in the first place-subconsciously I knew we would never last after that!

If it was not for you and your followers I may still be stuck, trying to lie my way through a meaningless relationship, and miss out on meeting my new man.  My ex is drinking again, and I worry that it is because of me, but I will never look back-thank-you so much for all of your help!

Yours Truly,

"Couldn't be happier"

Women Are Illogical

Queen I need your help,

PART I. - Went to a wedding - met a girl (23yrs) at the reception dinner. Girl's date(23yrs) shows up to dinner 1.5 hrs late. When girl leaves table, date says he parties 6 nights a week without her. When guy leaves table she says her and date broke up after 2 years and are not even facebook friends. Girl, date, myself and a female family member go to various bars after wedding dinner in my vehicle. Girl dances with me all night, makes sexual comments, grabs my crotch, wears my blazer jacket, piggy backs me around bar. Leaves at end of night with date.

PART II - Girl adds my female family member to facebook next day and asks what her and I are doing that night because we are so much fun. Family member says staying home. Girl asks family member for my phone number. Girl invites me out to bar. I show up and girl brought date. Date talks to me all night like we're best friends. I leave and delete Girl's number from cell phone.

PART III - Girl blows up my phone every second day with texts and invites to go out. When confronted about the clearly unfinished business with her "date" and accusation of her being in a relationship, she does not deny it and says I can stop talking to her at anytime if I feel awkward about the situation. So I said "ok".

I continue to get texts, invites and "guilt" messages that "YOU NEVER WANT TO PARTY WITH ME!". I continue to mention - "YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND!" .
This has not seemed to resolve the issue.

WHAT THE F$%# IS GOING ON? I told her there is no way I will even look at her as long as she has a bf, I told her I will not go out to party, I will not pick her up, I am not interested. Yet she persists.

Please explain if I'm just being used a tool to make the bf jealous, or if I'm being used in some other capacity or generally what the f&%@ is going on because I'm lost.

Thanks Queen.......

60/40 Rule: A Ratio In Relationships

Well thank you everyone for contributing to my friend rant yesterday, some really great advice, as always, and a perspective that I think I will follow.  I should not rub it in that I was right and she was not.  She already knows that, even if she has not explicitly told me.  A came over last night, and I must say, it felt really good to have a friend to talk to, and not worry about judgements as she has no right to judge me after this escapade.

In my own little way I think I have made it clear to her that even though I may not understand or even agree with the decisions she has made, I am here for her no matter what, because that is what friends are for.  A was in need of a drowning of her sorrows so I bought some Malibu (her favorite) and we sat and talked for four hours straight.  We talked about love, life and everything in between.  We talked like we never could as kids, because we did not know who we were yet, and reality just did not seem to matter back then.

I told her that a wise woman once told me about the 60/40 rule, and it is what I live by now.  Just as many of you said yesterday-marriages/relationships are hard work!  Anyone who thinks they are bliss all the time has never been in a real relationship!  The 60/40 rule means that if your relationship is good 60% of the time, and bad 40% of the time, it is still worth fighting for.  When it gets closer to 50/50 you are in trouble.  In my relationship-at the worst of time, and yes our love has been tried and tested a number of times-we are 60/40, however, most days I would say we average about a 70/30.  I am in love, and I know this.  No one in their right mind could convince me otherwise.

Sometimes I feel like tossing in the towel, but most of the time I cannot picture my life with out him.  Not because its easier to stay, but because it would be so hard to leave the man that I picture spending the rest of my life with... even after almost 6 years of being together. You see I think relationships need to be tested-you need to go through something horrible to see if you can both survive, and still love that person after it is all over.  I don't think A ever had that.  Like I said, she had it all, and if drinking was that horrible thing I speak of, then that was their test, and they failed.  If you think about it, that is precisely what wedding vows say,

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

These words should not be taken lightly-and they were never meant to be changed or underestimated.  These words do not translate to, if that SOB gets drunk tonight its over...  where did we lose the meaning, who are we to think we have any right to decide what these words even mean and when vows can be broken, why is marriage not what it used to be? 

I think the thing that A said that stood out to me the most last night was this,


"Whats the point in being in a relationship if half the time you feel more like their mother then their wife, and the other half of the time they are drunk or yelling"

Despite the fact that I have felt like this before, clearly, A and J did not have a 60/40 relationship ratio.

She Got It All And It Still Was Not Good Enough

So this rant is a little different.  Its not about my man, but yet one of the many other relationships we have as humans-those relationships with our friends.  You see I have this friend that I love dearly, however, she has made a very big decision in her life, and I still have not quite figured out if I support this decision or not-or if I even understand it for that matter. 

My friend A was the one of us that we all thought would be the last to marry and have kids.  We all lived in the country and moved to the city to go to school, party and live out our twenty something lives.  Within a couple of years, A met this guy J who none of us liked.  I mean he was nice and all, just not A's type.  Within a year, J convinced her to move back to the small town we came from, and not even a year later she was married and pregnant.  I asked her what she was doing years ago.  I said you totally settled.  I know what you wanted your wedding to look like and you did not get any of it!  You hated that town and now you have a house there, a kid on the way and J who you have nothing in common with.  She argued with me a bit and told me everything was great.

I assumed she was telling me the truth, as not even a year ago she had her second child with him.  Again, I spoke to her every once and a while, and everything was still a-okay.  She bought a bigger home, a new truck, and had it all-the white picket fence, the house and the kids-in my eyes she had it all.  She had so much I was at the point where I did not want to tell her about all my relationship problems because here I would look like some sort of idiot.  I have none of those things, and fight constantly with the beau.  I felt insecure and envious of her life.

Now two weeks later I get a call from her.  She has left J and moved to the city.  I am all like WTF happened.  She said he drinks too much, and we made a date to chat about what the eff was going on.

I went over to her house on the weekend, and she told me her reason for leaving was simply that she did not feel attracted to J anymore.  Yes he drank too much, but she said he had always done this.  She told me she had been contemplating leaving before-before she even had her first child, and with every day that went by she thought to herself how hard it would be to leave now that she had kids, a mortgage, and oh so many responsibilities.  She even said the sex was great even until the end?  So what do you mean you are not attracted to him? 

I found this to be a very selfish response, but I could not say it to her.  Rather I agreed, told her I supported this decision and that I am here for her if she needs me.

So why?  Why not tell us-her friends-that something was wrong?  Why have a family with someone you do not even love?  Why did she not listen to me when I warned her that this felt wrong?  Why now?  Now that you have children. 

What I wanted to tell her, and hope that one day I will conjure up enough balls to tell her- is that she was selfish.  She used J to get the kids because thats what she wanted at the time.  She rushed into a marriage and a family without giving herself enough time to see the reality in it all.  She let love guide her-and when that love ran out she left.  Instead of giving herself time to get over the initial love struck feeling and see if she could put up with this man forever like her vows stated.

She gave a bad name to marriage-something I have been waiting for-for 5 years.  Everyday I think that I will never get a chance to have children.  Something she took for granted, I would give my right arm to have.  She got it all, and it still was not good enough.

My Boyfrineds Best Friend

Queen,

I think I might soon be up shits creek without a paddle with my boyfriend of 15 years.

For the record...I don't care to catch a load of crap because after all this time, we are still not married. It's by choice on both our parts and we are both perfectly happy cohabitating all these years without being married.

Moving on....

Here's the situation, (I'll try and keep it brief!)

5 years ago my boyfriend fell off the wagon and began drinking again. He's an alcoholic. He's been 100% sober for the last 5 years. I stuck by him because he's a wonderful man, sans his past issue with alcohol.

He had this best friend back then. They were as close as brothers and even worked together for the same boss. We used to hang out and bar-b-que together on weekends and we all became very close friends.

You with me so far?

Anyway, when my boyfriend fell off the wagon, he was impossible to live with. Our relationship took a bad turn due to his drinking. It got so bad, I tossed him out into the curb. I literally had no choice as I was not about to be his co-dependent gf or enable him to continue drinking. During that time 5 years ago, I was understandably distraught. His best friend tried to help him but even he too, had to chuck the friendship. My bf eventually got himself into rehab, and that's how he got sober.

My bf and I were broken up at that time because of his drinking.

One night not long after, his best friend came to see me. It started out so innocent. He brought me a bottle of wine. (neither him or I, were alcoholics)
After sever glasses and both of us getting drunk on my couch....we slept together. BOTH of us realized that this was a very, very bad mistake afterwards...shook hands as friends and parted ways.

My bf eventually sobered up, and it wasn't until he got fully sober that I allowed him to come back to our place and get back together.
My bf's friend decided when my bf fell off the wagon, they were done as friends. Now...fast forward five years later and for the first time in 5 years...this old friend of his called him and got re-hired to work with my bf again!

My worry is that my bf's friend will tell my bf that we fucked.

I'd also like to add one more thing...other than the one indiscretion 5 years ago, I have been faithful to my man of 15 years.

Do I have reason to worry? Should I talk to this said friend of his and ask him to keep quiet? I love my bf and am proud of his sobriety, If my bf finds out, he'll leave me, and I KNOW this.
What should I do if anything?

My Boyfriends Best Friend

Queen,

My boyfriend actually he's my fiance', has a best female friend that has been his friend long before I came into the picture. However the only reason why they just stayed friends according to her is that he is not her type but if he was I know he would have tried to hook up with her on a relationship level. He's told me this himself which I think wasn't a good idea to tell me. Anyway I have been trying really hard to deal with their friendship especially since she assured me that they are just friends and she has no intentions on taking it any further with him. They both said they look at each other like brother and sister. Even though I'm 99% sure they are just friends and it's not sexual in any means I still get a little annoyed at how close they are.

Here's some of the things that annoy me. They are always texting and talking to each other on a daily basis. They both work for the post office and were working at the same office until she moved to another office recently so I can understand they may have work related issues to discuss but the way they talk to each other just puzzles me...There are times when they tell each other "I love you", and they call each other baby sometimes, (which he does have a habit of calling women baby in general), I know for a fact he tells her things he doesn't tell me, they say little nasty remarks to each other sometimes, they have a night where they bowl on a team together. I know they meet up for lunch some times which he doesn't tell me about, I just found this out on my own. I really don't think this is cool because when he does things behind my back I feel he's hiding something.. If they are just friends what's wrong with him telling me they have lunch sometimes!

Am I just jealous or would this bother some of you if your mate had a friendship like this. I know there could be a part of me that could just be jealous because I gave up all my male friends when I got into this committed relationship because I just feel it causes problems in the relationship when you are constantly dealing with the opposite sex and they become a priority over your mate. I also moved here solely to be with him so I have no friends here at all. So perhaps his friendship with this girl stands out more because I don't have my own friends here. I'm also the type of woman that if I do have a male friend and he gets into a committed relationship I back off a little because I wouldn't want to make his woman uncomfortable. I surely wouldn't be texting and talking to him constantly but that's just how I feel about things. Well I'm basically just ranting because I'm not going to do anything about it because other than this our relationship is fine and we get along good. I just hate to have things waying on my heart so I thought I would see what others thought. And yes I have spoken to him about this before and he tells me I have nothing to be concerned about because they are just friends and I should let it go...I'm seriously thinking of finding a male friend of my own and see how he likes it if I treat him how he treats his female friend...