Once I was a nice altruistic & loving woman. I obeyed my parents. I graduated from a top tier university and created a financially rewarding career. I worked hard and enjoyed life. I have traveled to over 50 countries. I loved & respected others based on their character and nothing else. I always maintained my appearance, never drank, never smoked, never did drugs, never depended on a man & was never promiscuous.
I prided myself on my size 4 figure, flawless skin and long healthy hair. I look about a decade younger then my chronological age. In my 20’s I was married for a short time to a wealthy investment banker in New York. The marriage was initially good but soon discovered he was bipolar. I left and divorced him soon after. I had a good relationship with an Irishman for a few years. We ended it as friends. I did not want to move to Dublin permanently.
I have only been with two men sexually. I am not frigid, a religious fanatic, fat, ugly or deformed. I have always believed sex should be within marriage or at the very least in a mutually loving stable relationship. I have never had a yeast infection, a std, suffered sexual abuse, become pregnant or faced the many woes women who are very sexually promiscuous have to experience. I was disciplined & resisted instant gratification. 95% of me feels comfortable with my life decisions. I avoided a lot of BS women go through in the effort to have “love” or a “man” in their life.
The remaining 5% of me thinks maybe I should have been open to children, willing to sleep with the firm’s partner, sleep with married men in power, willing to have a threesome, willing to date younger men who were attracted to me, accept a man’s jaded sexual past who was reformed and good to me & not reject him. Then I think would I be in denial or an emotional basket case like many women are who take the devil may care attitude. I do not know. We all make choices.
What I have learned is that MOST MEN want a woman dependent on them in some way preferably financially whether they are willing to admit it or not. Most men are not interested in having a smart mate. They only want you to look good & play the arm candy. Most men do not care about your accomplishments. They want to fuck you. Most men want to play the “hero” & solve the problems. They do not want a partner who can solve the problems and avoid the damsel in distress scenario.
It does not pay to be a nice girl in life. Nice girls are boring, lonely, unappreciated and unloved.
Maybe I should have been a whore or a gold digging selfish woman.
Yours truly,
Single lonely 39 year old woman
